choice... or chance?

in doing some digging for an old paper from undergrad days gone-by, I ran across this.
Someone had it emailed to me my freshman year in college and I liked it so much that I not only printed it out and posted it to my hot pink and zebra corkboard #collegeinearlymilleniumyears but I also took the time to retype it so it wouldnt be lost.

I also found a lot of old saved IM conversations with B. some that reassure me I wasnt crazy/didnt just dream up that it was really that good back then. and some that make the older, wiser?, more jaded? me cringe a bit on how immature and black/white I was about my relationships.

so for what it's worth, I'll try to keep this in mind. for the next time I fall in love :)

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Choice or Chance?

When we meet the right person to love, when we're at the right place at the right time, that's chance.

When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance.

Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this)That's also a chance.

The difference is what happens afterwards…
Will you take that infatuation, that crush,
or that mind- blowing attraction to the next level?
That's when all sanity comes back…
You have to sit down and contemplate
whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling.

If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice

When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice.

Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice

Infatuation, crushes, and attraction come to us by chance.
But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make…

Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this:
"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen."

I believe that soulmates do exist, that there is truly someone made for you.
But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not.

We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make.

We came to the world not by finding someone perfect to love, BUT to learn how to love an imperfect person perfectly.
~Author Unknown~

shitty start to a new year

I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight

because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)

I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.

And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.

After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)


And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).

I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.

But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!

you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out

To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)

The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.


I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors

but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.

and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.





does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????

saw'em off (or tried to....damn t-sips)

so........ the boy decided to spring on me that I would be meeting his friends prior to last meeting of t.u./Aggies football game (damn you Deloss)here in the South, for a 7pm game against your bitter rival, the BBQ pit starts at dawn.. and the drinking isnt far behind.

after a screwdriver at 11am, you'd feel pretty chatty too

and having steaks offered to you several times (even though I tried declining due to not being an expected guest) doesnt hurt either ;)

but of course, I royally suck at daytime drinking.
*really I am awful at extended-time, paced activity. thus why I run 5ks and not marathons!


and got upset due to lack of affection/general progress in our dating relationship


and with all other emotions due to gma #1 dying this week, I cried.

i really hope his friends didnt see.
still pretty mortified. but you cant get a do-over so I guess if he likes me enough, he'll stick around!

thunder thighs

my thunder thighs are literally wearing holes in my jeans where they rub

::sigh::

so much for thinking I was making progress...
I'll have to go fat-girl jean shopping yet again :((

And you might have to put me on suicide watch if I have to buy a
bigger size yet again

damn dry spell

4months
4 months and counting.... since my last KISS!
so that makes it__________ since....

major dry spell.

and funny thing is, I really just want to make out.
to cuddle, snuggle, kiss, feel that warm tingly feeling....
to be that close with someone again.


and ya know, when you find yourself wishing the hog farmer calls you...
you know you need to be wary of making some downright damn bad decisions!

and a nanosecond later, my heart is bruised yet again.

so... not 2 weeks later and i got the "lets just be friends" speech.
seriuosly - is it me people? is it something that i say? or act?
because i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that its just not the right one. i dont believe in just one "soulmate"... and a couple of these guys could have really made me happy.

and because this one TRULY had potential. and i havent felt that about someone in a LONGGGG time.
same Southern background, same family, same dream of living small-town, same religious beliefs, polar opposite "attention" needs (fine by me - I hate being in the spotlight).
and now not even the chance. and that's what makes me pissed off/cry. i dont even have the chance to see how good (or bad) it could be. because he's scared. or unsure. or too young. or all of the above.

im lonely. and scared. and mad because someone else had the control.
and im going to die alone....


baaggghhhhhhhh