shitty start to a new year

I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight

because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)

I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.

And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.

After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)


And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).

I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.

But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!

you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out

To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)

The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.


I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors

but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.

and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.





does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????

love you long time

been so long. too long. too many thoughts, too many emotions. too many hurts. sometimes its just all too much.
Sometimes when you look back at all the endings, you have to hope when you're with the one that doesn't end - that you can laugh about all the ones that weren't.
right now it just seems like a giant train wreck.
my panic attacks make traveling impossible. so tired of treadmills without results. so wanting to feel loved by someone other than the friends and family that have to. so lonely, and yet so unsure of capacity to be a "couple" again.
do i have what it takes to give unselfishly, to not whiny or belittle, to curb my OCD tendencies for the good of another. i dont have the answers to those questions.
and i dont really know that i'm looking for them
I guess I'm just hoping that if its not to be, God slaps me upside the head with it and makes it painfully obvious
until then, continued secret hope, yoyo btwn happy and single --to-- alone and despair.

Lord I hope its just hormones that make me this out of whack...

and a nanosecond later, my heart is bruised yet again.

so... not 2 weeks later and i got the "lets just be friends" speech.
seriuosly - is it me people? is it something that i say? or act?
because i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that its just not the right one. i dont believe in just one "soulmate"... and a couple of these guys could have really made me happy.

and because this one TRULY had potential. and i havent felt that about someone in a LONGGGG time.
same Southern background, same family, same dream of living small-town, same religious beliefs, polar opposite "attention" needs (fine by me - I hate being in the spotlight).
and now not even the chance. and that's what makes me pissed off/cry. i dont even have the chance to see how good (or bad) it could be. because he's scared. or unsure. or too young. or all of the above.

im lonely. and scared. and mad because someone else had the control.
and im going to die alone....


baaggghhhhhhhh

We the People find these truths to be self-evident

in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness (thank you founding fathers) - which for single gals usually consists of the crapshoot known as dating - one is inevitably confronted with the existential question of "is there just ONE right person meant for you?"

if "YES" - how do you know who he is? have you already met him? what if you accidentally dumped the ONE person you are supposed to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH!?!?!

once upon a time, I believed there was only one person for each of us. after the debalacle of 2002, i'm jaded enough to know better.

so, for the more logical (fingers crossed) answer of "NO" -
how do you know which person is the right person for this time in your life?
at what point, does that person cease to exist to be the "right" person for your current situation?
and how do you know when it is the right person for the rest of your life... not just another learning curve?
does someone who you care for and love but maybe not as passionately/iNsAnElY as the 3yr disaster mean that they're not the right perosn for you?
and when do you KNOW that he's the one for you? the point where you're sure that you and this person should be together. that it will all be okay. that ya'll will stick together, for better and for worse. that you'll make it work. that you'll be happy together.

and at what point do any of these questions get answered....


i wish i knew

men are emotional fuck-tards
i just got off the phone wiht my friend and the stories that he regaled me with just re-affirm my belief that the majority of women's emotional hang-ups are due to @$$holes like HIM!

all because he can't (or won't) get over this girl from like 6 years ago! [paging Dr. Phil]
dont get me wrong. i dont plan on not being friends because of this...
BUT i am so f-ing glad that we never dated. and wish I could forewarn any woman he meets!
the stories of dating 3-4 women at a time, while lying to all of them. and never ever telling anyone in a relationship "i love you" as well as refusing to define or label relationships all equalls up to a person who is emotionally and "relationship-ally" fucked up. and that messed-up-ness just gets dumped onto every person that he becomes romantically encountered with....

damn, this whole converstion just has me worked up in a dither.
and madder than a swarm of red wasps.

blasphamey

btwn 2 friends...

"i am so angry and so heartbroken. and i'm so MAD. and i'm angry at God for letting it happen. and guilty for being mad at God. but i still want to bitch-slap God. and i'm pretty sure that consititutes blasphemey and being damned to hell for eternity"