S.A.D. = Single Awareness Day

no words necessary...

except maybe "Hallmark.... I HATE YOU!

:)

happy hump day?

I cried last night.

...

...

...

Over a Twix candy bar.

I have no idea how it ended up in my fridge (its not my favorite candy bar and I never buy full-size candy!)
except to think the following possibilities

(a) magical yet creepy Elf on a Shelf wanted to save mankind from the wrath of Kat,

(b) that Willy Wonka did invent that crazy candybar-sending TV
and it appeared in my house,

(c) our benevolent God decided to throw me a frickin bone. (as compared to the mostly misery thats been present lately)

Anyways, when I found it,
I seriously did Chandler's happy dance < Chandler Happy Dance GIF>
in my kitchen and shed a few tears.

And then I made myself go to gym class in exchange for the miraculous gift :)

Unbeknownst to me at the time, we had tornado weather here at 7am
(apparently I have retained my mad sleeping skills from college am just as good at sleeping through fire alarms/ tornado weather & warnings as I was at OU).

All I knew is that I could hear things being knocked over outside and the wind was going SIDEWAYS~~~

And I was NOT going out in it. So I email that I will be in later that morning. Only to have my phone blow up with National Weather alerts for my area saying "tornado weather… seek shelter"

So now that I'm finally at work, I'm wondering if we get to claim "hazardous weather/working conditions" or if I have to use PTO ;)

Anyways… I got in my car this morning and almost gagged.

It smells like stinky gym tennis shoes + old broccoli

I have no idea where or why. It didn't smell like that yesterday or on the way to the gym.

All I could think about was "Grumpy Old Men" when Jack throws a fish into Walter's old Suburban and he doesn't find it for a week!

Pretty sure my facial expression was comparable. Or like that guy's….

so NOT looking forward to cleaning out my car in the rain today.
I'm secretly hoping that the smell disappears as fast and mysteriously as it appeared!!!

Sadly, I regret to report that the cry-inducing Twix was not enough to overpower the stronghold the BMH have induced on my body.

So I stopped for gas station on my way to work and bought 3 things….. a cappuccino (duh), Cheeto puffs (small victory in convincing myself to buy the small bag!), and coconut M-n-Ms.

Yeah………………. I definitely got a empathetic look from the female clerk this morning.

Pretty sure she knew what's up ;)

That is all. Thanks for letting me "purge the crazy".

shitty start to a new year

I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight

because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)

I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.

And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.

After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)


And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).

I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.

But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!

you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out

To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)

The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.


I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors

but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.

and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.





does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????

princess diaries

don't you wish your love life worked like "my fair lady"
--- the guy that plays hard to get, eventually comes around and pursues her.

i know the ones that leave you aren't the ones that love you (or will love and leave you) but it doesn't seem fair sometimes.

the best kisses,
inside jokes,
similar upbringings
and goals for life....

and yet somehow he still doesnt call


WHY CANT HE JUST CALL ALREADY!?!?!

love you long time

been so long. too long. too many thoughts, too many emotions. too many hurts. sometimes its just all too much.
Sometimes when you look back at all the endings, you have to hope when you're with the one that doesn't end - that you can laugh about all the ones that weren't.
right now it just seems like a giant train wreck.
my panic attacks make traveling impossible. so tired of treadmills without results. so wanting to feel loved by someone other than the friends and family that have to. so lonely, and yet so unsure of capacity to be a "couple" again.
do i have what it takes to give unselfishly, to not whiny or belittle, to curb my OCD tendencies for the good of another. i dont have the answers to those questions.
and i dont really know that i'm looking for them
I guess I'm just hoping that if its not to be, God slaps me upside the head with it and makes it painfully obvious
until then, continued secret hope, yoyo btwn happy and single --to-- alone and despair.

Lord I hope its just hormones that make me this out of whack...

power hour

the singles scene sucks. bar, gym, church, coffeehouse - all of them
i dont care what city, state, country or continent you live on - meeting an available, normal, single man with no fetishes, criminal history, or relationship hang-ups is quite the impossible feat!

Coffeehouses:

So coffeehouses - where the mature, intellectual people gather to read, study and generally broaden their minds and perspectives. One would assume you could meet someone intelligent who has a mutual addiction to coffee.

not so

you either meet goofy nerds who are busy playing WOW on their laptops, giggling like schoolgirl
or
you have the "i'm too good for my Armani" snobs who barely meet your glance over their $3000 MacBook Air.

Church:

the quint-essential "meat-market".
its somewhere i'm going to be regardless because that where God calls me to fellowship with like-minded believers.
But the "singles-group" that exists in these is a smoke-screen for a meat-market (no news flash to any of us dating since high school).

however, dont hold your breath hoping to meet someone of similar faith

the only types are the "holier-than-thou"s who act like having a margarita is the downfall of Christianity,
or
(look away if easily offended)
the ugly people who are hoping that "good" people will like them and overlook why they've so far been unable to convince someone to someday procreate with them...
or
the "bad" boys who come to church looking for the "good" girls, who, you know - are secretly bad in disguise. 'that's hot'
AARRRGGGHHHH!

Gym:

i joined the gym b/c
(a) I needed weights to do strength training, which running can't provide allow
(b) i cant run when it rains
(c) i wanted to meet other people who understand the importance of working out to your health and keep physically fit.
(d) whomever i date, its important that he takes care of himself, and working out is a great way to spend quality time together

But it's also impossible to meet someone at the gym. the guys are either
-gay
-think they're God's gift to women (you can tell by the 'strut' they do around the gym)
or
-meatheads
all the cute ones are ph-so-obliviously plugged into their i-pods...
seriously - do you never need a water break?!?!

Bar

the bar scene is bar-none (pun intended) the worst!

I'm all about an occasional drink but you only meet one of two types in a bar:

(1) the alcoholic who's there 5 nights outta the week. This one knows all the daily specials, drinks 'chuggers' of cheap beer... until every girl in the bar is attractive. Constantly trying to get a piece and relieves the "good ole days" with all the other losers

(2) the type who are socially awkward/super intelligent/desperate... who dress up, spend lots of money on buying girls drinks....hoping to get one girl drunk enough where their desperation shrinks, and the nerd/freak/weirdo become attractive to her.

so to anyone who has any better suggestion of where singles mingle, or knows where the normal single guys are hiding - I'm all ears

meet Mister F

so... this guy (hence referred to as "F") has been tossed around in my mind for awhile now and i just cant get him out of my head.

we "met", interestingly enough, when i was bored, lonely, and had had enough wine to be brave - to make a myspace account. looked for anyone single (male or female) near my age (read: no old geezers or high school kids) that lived in this medium sized/socially-challenged town.
he accepted my friend request and actually sent me message ( just a standard "hey how's it going" ). we've talked on and off for a few months now. met for drinks. flirted a bit. and have had drinks a few times again since then. we have similar upbringings, have somewhat similar values, and both enjoy beer. plenty for a friendship.

so when we were out for drinks the other night, and he mentioned/ragged on this girl he dated a month ago (remember - thought he was single), i was thrown for a loop & didnt know what to say.
[side note: there are FEW times in this woman's life when she is speechless and cannot come up with a witty remark, or at the very least - a sharp sarcastic barb.]
what left me speechless was not that i didnt know about her. (we're just friends)

it was the reason why he abruptly brought her into the conversation
- is this to signal to me that he's now available?
- or is this because he's stuck for conversation, didnt want an awkward lull and grasped at a short straw...

as the legend goes, men are simple. so i know i'm over-analyzing what (and why) he said. but sometimes small miscommunications can lead to big losses. and i dont want to stumble over a subtle "signal" to put myself out there, or even just flirt more.
i need a male/female translation dictionary.
is Webster up for taking that on?

"aye aye captain"

so cute lieutenant and i have a date on the riverwalk. he's smart, witty, not psycho, no seemingly obvious flaws and looks like farve in the face (bonus pts).
hotel is booked (back up plan: friend's couch 30 mins away) and i'm letting myself get kinda psyched. still holding back for the inevitable letdown.
[side note: why cant i let myself believe that someone good is going to come along... and ACTUALLY be with me?!? hmm... could be the abandonment issues the 3yr ex abrubtly left me with...]
cant decide if i'm more excited about good mexican food and el mercado... or the lt

in other great (but expensive news) - bought a new (to me) car. that gets way better gas milage than the gray gremlin. :-)

daydreams...

i'm daydreaming on a lazy afternoon....

daydreaming of amazing 1st dates,
that feeling of attraction,
catching someone's gaze from across the room,
first kisses,
movie dates on his couch,
sizzling chemistry,
getting asked out (ALWAYS an ego booster),
having a boyfriend,
holding hands,
vacations, birthdays, and holidays with that someone special,
making out (juvenile yet so enjoyable)
comfort level of having someone who has your back on bad days,
getting flowers.... and love notes,
sweating over meeting the family,
making a mess in the kitchen cooking dinner together... and leaving it till morning
late night walks in the park,
afternoon naps cuddled up on the couch together,
getting a wedding invitation addressed to you both,
obsessing, losing sleep and finally saying " i love you" for the first time,
camping trips together,
suprising him with breakfast in bed,
someone who worrys about you getting home safe... and calls to double check
spending the night at his place,
him spending the night at yours....and checking the closets for you,
having a date for your friends' weddings...who are ALL getting married,
wistfully making future plans with him,
the dream of having that love for the rest of your lives...

i miss all that. yeah, i miss being loved. but more than that, i miss loving someone else. i miss having that person to think about, consider, cook for, worry about, take care of, &.... love.

Ode to Singleness

• Sleeping late on Saturday with only your own obligations to blow off
  
• Rationalizing tequila as a vegetable because it comes from the agave plant
  
• Burning dinner… and not stressing over anyone going hungry or being grumpy
  '
• being a “sports enthusiast” when there are cute guys at a sports bar
  
• Buying the “good stuff” & not having to share it with anyone else (*this applies to food, wine/ liquor)
  
• S&TC & chick flicks marathons
  
• Eating ice cream any time of night, picking out all the cookies outta the cookies-n-cream, AND leaving the bowl on the nightstand.
  
• Getting your drinks bought… even if it’s a guy you’d never go out with
  
• No (future) mom-in-laws who “admire” your “birthing” hips or criticize everything about you
  
• Listening to really bad music and singing along off-key without criticism about your taste in music… or your voice
  
• “having hot revenge sex with total strangers” (nod to the greatness that is 27 Dresses )
  
• the toilet seat ALWAYS being in the correct position
  
• Only your own dysfunctional family to deal with at holidays and long weekends
  
• Sole possession of the remote control
  
• No annoying whisker hairs all over the sink (*or for the guys – no rings of leg hair around the tub)
  
• VEGAS baby!