choice... or chance?

in doing some digging for an old paper from undergrad days gone-by, I ran across this.
Someone had it emailed to me my freshman year in college and I liked it so much that I not only printed it out and posted it to my hot pink and zebra corkboard #collegeinearlymilleniumyears but I also took the time to retype it so it wouldnt be lost.

I also found a lot of old saved IM conversations with B. some that reassure me I wasnt crazy/didnt just dream up that it was really that good back then. and some that make the older, wiser?, more jaded? me cringe a bit on how immature and black/white I was about my relationships.

so for what it's worth, I'll try to keep this in mind. for the next time I fall in love :)

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Choice or Chance?

When we meet the right person to love, when we're at the right place at the right time, that's chance.

When you meet someone you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance.

Being caught up in a moment (and there are a lot of couples who get together because of this)That's also a chance.

The difference is what happens afterwards…
Will you take that infatuation, that crush,
or that mind- blowing attraction to the next level?
That's when all sanity comes back…
You have to sit down and contemplate
whether you want to make this into a concrete relationship or just a fling.

If you decide to love a person, even with his faults, that's not a chance. That's choice

When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice.

Even if you know there are many people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same, that's choice

Infatuation, crushes, and attraction come to us by chance.
But true love that lasts is truly a choice. A choice that we make…

Regarding soulmates, there's a beautiful movie quote that I believe is so true about this:
"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen."

I believe that soulmates do exist, that there is truly someone made for you.
But it's still up to you to make the choice if you're going to do something about it or not.

We may meet our soulmates by chance, but loving and staying with our soulmate is still a choice we have to make.

We came to the world not by finding someone perfect to love, BUT to learn how to love an imperfect person perfectly.
~Author Unknown~

you will when you... believe

“Believe…
In yourself
In love
In trust
In magic
in angels
in happy endings
In God
in promises
in miracles
In people
In fairy tales
In following your heart
In peace
in happiness
in never giving up
In following your passions and making your dreams come true
In always having fun
In helping people
in making the world a better place
In changing for the better”

hog farmer hit on

i got hit on by a hog farmer!
in a bar!
on a Monday night!

and thanks to Johnny Walker, he now has my number

that is all...

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"`

so the thing about emotional baggage is not that its not a sudden windfall or inheritances. it doesn't happen that you suddenly depart the plane and BAM! there its all right there waiting for you at baggage claim.
you pick it up in bits and pieces. as you leave each relationship, you leave with another piece of baggage. maybe you get a backpack from the 4 month relationship, or a duffel bag worth from that 2 year "commitment".
either way, the bags just seem to pile up around you. slowly building this defensive wall...
the scary part about liking someone THAT much is when you move away the baggage, when you let go of the handles of all of those pieces of insecurity, of focusing on his flaws, of doubting the sustainability. when you let go of all of that, you make the first step and then you take that leap over this wall of emotional baggage.

then. the hard part comes. will he accept you...? knowing that at any time, you could reach back and latch on to any of these emotional issues. or will something else come between you and you get burned once again. retreating back behind that wall, and taking with you a new piece of baggage to add to your luggage collection....
once again doubting your personality, your attractiveness, beauty, intelligence - even personal worth. why cant he just love me back? what about me is so unlovable, so unworthy of a commitment... or even the chance?

and before you know it. you're back where you started. scared of taking that leap. of hurdling the pile of baggage. hiding behind past failures and projecting the mistakes of all the past guys onto the new guy before he has a chance to leave the gate....

so the question continues to be.... is he worth the risk of leaving behind the safety of the wall of emotional baggage? to try once again...

the cold hard truth

as hard as it is to even acknowledge the thoughts, much less, see them typed on my screen through tear-blurried eyes, i'm hoping that laying my bruised scarred heart out in the open will be theraputic. because I HAVE to move on. I want to love again.


and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...


it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.


everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".


so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.


after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.


so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.


when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.



and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]

and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...


in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.



my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."



as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” (Marilyn Monroe)

"aye aye captain"

so cute lieutenant and i have a date on the riverwalk. he's smart, witty, not psycho, no seemingly obvious flaws and looks like farve in the face (bonus pts).
hotel is booked (back up plan: friend's couch 30 mins away) and i'm letting myself get kinda psyched. still holding back for the inevitable letdown.
[side note: why cant i let myself believe that someone good is going to come along... and ACTUALLY be with me?!? hmm... could be the abandonment issues the 3yr ex abrubtly left me with...]
cant decide if i'm more excited about good mexican food and el mercado... or the lt

in other great (but expensive news) - bought a new (to me) car. that gets way better gas milage than the gray gremlin. :-)

if only the good die young, i might live forever

so quotes are my thing. other people may have movie lines memorized, or sage advice to pass on.
But I like quotes.
Quotes are relateable.
Quotes are (usually) learned from experience - so learn from other's mistakes.
you dont have to re-invent the wheel.

when you dog chews up your fave red high heels - just remember "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ~Josh Billings"

When a random hot guy asks "can have your number" dont think about the fact that he's probably drunk off his @$$, remember "In vino, veritas"

And when the ex love of your life knocks up his gf and then marries her, make this your mantra "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade - and find someone who life gave vodka"

so till next time, remember that "Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live.”

rain

Jolted awake, heart beating out my chest, the storm had arrived.
As the thunder boomed and the lightening flashed through my window, the rain and my emotions swirled in the thick air.
Startled by the storm, my departure from the lovely land of zzzs was not solely due to the wrath of Mother Nature.
I was also aware of the very realistic, very disturbing dream that had me fitfully sleeping.
Frustrated that I slept so poorly after exhausting myself at the gym, the memories of the dream swept over me.

To preface this, the ex from the several year-long relationship had recently updated to “in a relationship” on facebook. For someone who got no closure and whose heart has YET to listen to her head, this was at the very least - a shake up. On one hand, I had so badly wanted him to admit that he screwed up, that he wanted me back – even though I knew that the trust was too badly broken to ever repair the damage. I wanted to blow him off like I felt like he blew our relationship off. [he did literally never talk to me again.]
That has left me wondering if

• (a) he never loved me and just lied for years or
  
• (b) if I was so un-memorable that he fell out of love with you and never looked back.

On the other hand, I wanted to just fall apart and hate him for ever being in my life. I know, I know – there are those who will use the old adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”… and that going through that makes me who I am today.
And part of me IS glad that I experienced real love (from my side) at least once in my lifetime… (still hoping to feel that way with someone again). There is nothing in the world as magical and incredible feeling as loving someone.
But the other part of me wishes that I had never met him, never felt that way, and never come out so jaded.

Back to the dream, I was in a college dorm apartment – the one Zach, Slater and Screech had on Saved by The Bell – College Years. (yes, I am a proud child of the 90’s sitcoms).
My roommate Cassie and I are getting along great.
Shopping, running, studying – generally becoming best of friends.
Anyways – next day, she wants me to meet her boyfriend – who, of course, turns out to be none other than my ex.
She tries to explain in earnest how this changes nothing, how we can still be friends.
Tears are streaming down my face and my mascara is running like the delusional Britney fan (note: watch Tosh.0 if you dont already!).
My heart is being ripped out of my chest while still beating (like in Indiana Jones movie).
And all I can think about is how I also want to punch her in the throat. Oh, and cut his cojones off.


As I lay there trying to sleep after that emotional nightmare, I realize how much the rain cleans away– dust, dropped food on the sidewalk, squashed bugs on my windshield…
and I hope that likewise - time cleans away some of my emotional baggage.

This girl wants to focus, not on what shaped who she’s become – but where she’s going and who she has yet to be.
I’m also enjoying “Saved by the Bell” which just came on TBS – Slater is still a HOTTIE!

Till next time - "listen to the thunder, be mesmerized by lightening and dance in the rain."