rain

Jolted awake, heart beating out my chest, the storm had arrived.
As the thunder boomed and the lightening flashed through my window, the rain and my emotions swirled in the thick air.
Startled by the storm, my departure from the lovely land of zzzs was not solely due to the wrath of Mother Nature.
I was also aware of the very realistic, very disturbing dream that had me fitfully sleeping.
Frustrated that I slept so poorly after exhausting myself at the gym, the memories of the dream swept over me.

To preface this, the ex from the several year-long relationship had recently updated to “in a relationship” on facebook. For someone who got no closure and whose heart has YET to listen to her head, this was at the very least - a shake up. On one hand, I had so badly wanted him to admit that he screwed up, that he wanted me back – even though I knew that the trust was too badly broken to ever repair the damage. I wanted to blow him off like I felt like he blew our relationship off. [he did literally never talk to me again.]
That has left me wondering if

• (a) he never loved me and just lied for years or
  
• (b) if I was so un-memorable that he fell out of love with you and never looked back.

On the other hand, I wanted to just fall apart and hate him for ever being in my life. I know, I know – there are those who will use the old adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”… and that going through that makes me who I am today.
And part of me IS glad that I experienced real love (from my side) at least once in my lifetime… (still hoping to feel that way with someone again). There is nothing in the world as magical and incredible feeling as loving someone.
But the other part of me wishes that I had never met him, never felt that way, and never come out so jaded.

Back to the dream, I was in a college dorm apartment – the one Zach, Slater and Screech had on Saved by The Bell – College Years. (yes, I am a proud child of the 90’s sitcoms).
My roommate Cassie and I are getting along great.
Shopping, running, studying – generally becoming best of friends.
Anyways – next day, she wants me to meet her boyfriend – who, of course, turns out to be none other than my ex.
She tries to explain in earnest how this changes nothing, how we can still be friends.
Tears are streaming down my face and my mascara is running like the delusional Britney fan (note: watch Tosh.0 if you dont already!).
My heart is being ripped out of my chest while still beating (like in Indiana Jones movie).
And all I can think about is how I also want to punch her in the throat. Oh, and cut his cojones off.


As I lay there trying to sleep after that emotional nightmare, I realize how much the rain cleans away– dust, dropped food on the sidewalk, squashed bugs on my windshield…
and I hope that likewise - time cleans away some of my emotional baggage.

This girl wants to focus, not on what shaped who she’s become – but where she’s going and who she has yet to be.
I’m also enjoying “Saved by the Bell” which just came on TBS – Slater is still a HOTTIE!

Till next time - "listen to the thunder, be mesmerized by lightening and dance in the rain."