S.A.D. = Single Awareness Day

no words necessary...

except maybe "Hallmark.... I HATE YOU!

:)

shitty start to a new year

I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight

because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)

I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.

And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.

After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)


And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).

I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.

But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!

you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out

To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)

The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.


I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors

but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.

and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.





does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????

saw'em off (or tried to....damn t-sips)

so........ the boy decided to spring on me that I would be meeting his friends prior to last meeting of t.u./Aggies football game (damn you Deloss)here in the South, for a 7pm game against your bitter rival, the BBQ pit starts at dawn.. and the drinking isnt far behind.

after a screwdriver at 11am, you'd feel pretty chatty too

and having steaks offered to you several times (even though I tried declining due to not being an expected guest) doesnt hurt either ;)

but of course, I royally suck at daytime drinking.
*really I am awful at extended-time, paced activity. thus why I run 5ks and not marathons!


and got upset due to lack of affection/general progress in our dating relationship


and with all other emotions due to gma #1 dying this week, I cried.

i really hope his friends didnt see.
still pretty mortified. but you cant get a do-over so I guess if he likes me enough, he'll stick around!

daddy's girl

most self-respecting southern boys know this but it bears repeating....

never ever mess with daddy's little girl.
and for that matter, dont mess with daddy himself.

case-in-point.
gma #1 was in nursing home after broken hip, and not doing well due to an aggravated ulcer/loss of "spark"
gma #2 had been to dr yesterday due to severe lethargy and results would either be something super simple or super bad

I hadn't been dating kountryboy for a month yet even. but we felt even on our first date that we were inexplicably (and unusually) comfortable around each other.

he's originally from another small town about an hr from my small hometown, but only about 20 mins away from the other small town my dad works in
(small town is a running theme in my life, in case you hadnt noticed)

anyways I was home alone, not thinking anything of much except how rough the holidays would be if we lost gma #1 (note to self. dont dwell on how bad it is... it can always get worse) that I didnt expect to hear a knock at the back door.

imagine my surprise when the boy walks in (back in town an hour earlier than normal days) and we're chilling on the couch, cuddling and watching tv when my phone rings. its "home"
I almost ignore the call, but for some unknown reason, pick it up.
mom and dad are on the line with news about gma #2's results. and its bad. very bad
so I cry. he holds me. I listen to options, plan of action, worst/best scenarios.
and then at the end of the conversation, my dad asks about the boy. and this is surprising because I hadnt let on that he was here with me.
and as the certainty of his tone sets me off that something is different, I realize that the boy knew I was getting bad news tonight.

daddy had tracked down his parents through a mutual friend at work and they had passed dad's number to the boy and the boy and dad had talked.
**note that boy and parents have obviously not met yet as we've only been dating a month.**

I am in utter and complete shock. over the news. over my dad's tactics. over conflicting emotions over feeling like the boy has been drug into the inner circle much too soon vs my appreciation for this show of support.

and now all that's left is to take things day by day.... and deal the best I can

kountryboy wink

so about a month ago, I got a wink.

normally, not a big deal. but this guy has winked before. he doesn't look like my normal type.
actually... he reminds me of howdy-doody. maybe just a bad pic?
but hey..... persistence is pretty cute (until it gets stalker-ish creepy. thats just scary).

So anyways we start emailing.
3 weeks later he wants to meet up in town for dinner. sounds good. except that grandma #1 has fallen and broken her hip again (other side), and mom (god bless her heart) needs a reprieve from being caretaker + full time teaching job at h.s.
so she's here with me this weekend.

well when she finds out, she of course, shoves me out the door.
and I'm pretty nervous about him not looking like his pictures. it being the most awkward awful date ever (although,... with my dating past, that would be quite a record to beat).

Anyways I walk in and this lanky 6'3 guy with the biggest smile on your face walks up to me and says (in an adorable country accent)
"are you miss (first name)?".
and just like that we're off.

we shut the restaurant down after 3 hours of talking.

my face literally hurts from smiling so much.
and I cant remember the last time that happened (probably sorority rush my freshman year in college. ick)


ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD to top it off, he wants to watch Steel Magnolias (after me quoting it all the time) so we're heading to his place for a night cap.


eeekkkk!!!!!!!

meeting a guy I can even just *dream* of a future with is so exciting.
and fingers crossed xx we will have chemistry for that first kiss ;)

hooptie clinched the deal

so 74 minutes into a 110 minute conversation (our 1st conversation, mind you)

he said "hooptie". and I cant stop smiling :-D

hog farmer hit on

i got hit on by a hog farmer!
in a bar!
on a Monday night!

and thanks to Johnny Walker, he now has my number

that is all...

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"`

so the thing about emotional baggage is not that its not a sudden windfall or inheritances. it doesn't happen that you suddenly depart the plane and BAM! there its all right there waiting for you at baggage claim.
you pick it up in bits and pieces. as you leave each relationship, you leave with another piece of baggage. maybe you get a backpack from the 4 month relationship, or a duffel bag worth from that 2 year "commitment".
either way, the bags just seem to pile up around you. slowly building this defensive wall...
the scary part about liking someone THAT much is when you move away the baggage, when you let go of the handles of all of those pieces of insecurity, of focusing on his flaws, of doubting the sustainability. when you let go of all of that, you make the first step and then you take that leap over this wall of emotional baggage.

then. the hard part comes. will he accept you...? knowing that at any time, you could reach back and latch on to any of these emotional issues. or will something else come between you and you get burned once again. retreating back behind that wall, and taking with you a new piece of baggage to add to your luggage collection....
once again doubting your personality, your attractiveness, beauty, intelligence - even personal worth. why cant he just love me back? what about me is so unlovable, so unworthy of a commitment... or even the chance?

and before you know it. you're back where you started. scared of taking that leap. of hurdling the pile of baggage. hiding behind past failures and projecting the mistakes of all the past guys onto the new guy before he has a chance to leave the gate....

so the question continues to be.... is he worth the risk of leaving behind the safety of the wall of emotional baggage? to try once again...

and a nanosecond later, my heart is bruised yet again.

so... not 2 weeks later and i got the "lets just be friends" speech.
seriuosly - is it me people? is it something that i say? or act?
because i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that its just not the right one. i dont believe in just one "soulmate"... and a couple of these guys could have really made me happy.

and because this one TRULY had potential. and i havent felt that about someone in a LONGGGG time.
same Southern background, same family, same dream of living small-town, same religious beliefs, polar opposite "attention" needs (fine by me - I hate being in the spotlight).
and now not even the chance. and that's what makes me pissed off/cry. i dont even have the chance to see how good (or bad) it could be. because he's scared. or unsure. or too young. or all of the above.

im lonely. and scared. and mad because someone else had the control.
and im going to die alone....


baaggghhhhhhhh

patience is a virtue....that i dont possess

i want now, not later
i want more, not less
i want priority, not down the list
i want f-ing fantastic, not just good
i want forever, not maybe

paging Dr Freud

i need to learn to take my own advice...


in re-reading my own blog. i came across a quote - "never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them".
i cant believe i was questioning a possibly incredible future over someone who cant even return a call or msg. much less what's going on

you'd think i'd learn from lessons learned. of those who cant, or wont, commit. for those who i'm not a priority to.

in matters of the heart - do I keep making the same mistakes... or am I just always dating the same guy?

kiss = relationship. making out = marriage

okay....
so a intoxicating night of greasy tex-mex, whiskey and dancing...
my hormones have beaten me into submission, & i'm a horny girl with her beer goggles firmly intact

yeah. past experience should have prepared me for this one.
not only did i get snubbed without a kiss, i get this ego-slamming text: "i wanted to kiss you tonight but i'm not ready for a gf"

WTF?!? since when did kissing = girlfriend???*
i just wanted to have some fun but now i'm going to bed pissed-off, drunk and lonely!
what a shitty combination - ARRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!



*you know, my dim recollection does re-call this guy dating some girl because they made out at a party and then she put they were "dating" in FB. for no other reason that those. pretty sure he couldnt have picked her out of a line-up.

anchors away...

the Lt and I are OVER.
O-V-E-R
not that anything tangible ever really began...
the weekend was a distaster from start to finish. so bad that i left early.
and i cried.

damn yankees

an officer and a gentleman

there's a reason why women swoon over movies with military men.
i dont know what it is wtih this year...i've never dated a military (or ex-military) guy in my life before but suddenly God has bestowed 2 upon me.
one turned out to be a douchebag. and i mean that in the nicest way possible ;-)
the other, however, has definite bf potential.
he's cute, smart, has goals, is motivated, has same small-town upbringing, family oriented, Christian, and is pretty damn HOT too. Yum :-D

and to put a cherry on-top, we had an aMaZiNg 1st date. winery, romantic Italian restaurant, walk through beautiful park in full bloom. good making out ending (yeah probably too fast, but who am I to stop a good thing going....?)
here's to hoping that he calls within that damn 3 day rule

southern men

Men, not boys, with the right upbringing and manners are in short supply.
Say what you will about the South and our bass-ackward ways – you can’t find gentlemen better than the ones raised below the Mason-Dixon line.
Their mommas’ raised them to open doors, call for dates (not by facebook, email or text), and to pull out your chair at dinner.
They offer to buy dinner, walk you to your door, and – if you’re lucky enough to get a kiss – you get “kissed often and by someone who knows how” [Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind].

Personally, I like my men tall, dark and handsome – just like my drinks.
(somewhat ironic since the guys I've dated were blonds – could be why it didn’t work out ;-)

power hour

the singles scene sucks. bar, gym, church, coffeehouse - all of them
i dont care what city, state, country or continent you live on - meeting an available, normal, single man with no fetishes, criminal history, or relationship hang-ups is quite the impossible feat!

Coffeehouses:

So coffeehouses - where the mature, intellectual people gather to read, study and generally broaden their minds and perspectives. One would assume you could meet someone intelligent who has a mutual addiction to coffee.

not so

you either meet goofy nerds who are busy playing WOW on their laptops, giggling like schoolgirl
or
you have the "i'm too good for my Armani" snobs who barely meet your glance over their $3000 MacBook Air.

Church:

the quint-essential "meat-market".
its somewhere i'm going to be regardless because that where God calls me to fellowship with like-minded believers.
But the "singles-group" that exists in these is a smoke-screen for a meat-market (no news flash to any of us dating since high school).

however, dont hold your breath hoping to meet someone of similar faith

the only types are the "holier-than-thou"s who act like having a margarita is the downfall of Christianity,
or
(look away if easily offended)
the ugly people who are hoping that "good" people will like them and overlook why they've so far been unable to convince someone to someday procreate with them...
or
the "bad" boys who come to church looking for the "good" girls, who, you know - are secretly bad in disguise. 'that's hot'
AARRRGGGHHHH!

Gym:

i joined the gym b/c
(a) I needed weights to do strength training, which running can't provide allow
(b) i cant run when it rains
(c) i wanted to meet other people who understand the importance of working out to your health and keep physically fit.
(d) whomever i date, its important that he takes care of himself, and working out is a great way to spend quality time together

But it's also impossible to meet someone at the gym. the guys are either
-gay
-think they're God's gift to women (you can tell by the 'strut' they do around the gym)
or
-meatheads
all the cute ones are ph-so-obliviously plugged into their i-pods...
seriously - do you never need a water break?!?!

Bar

the bar scene is bar-none (pun intended) the worst!

I'm all about an occasional drink but you only meet one of two types in a bar:

(1) the alcoholic who's there 5 nights outta the week. This one knows all the daily specials, drinks 'chuggers' of cheap beer... until every girl in the bar is attractive. Constantly trying to get a piece and relieves the "good ole days" with all the other losers

(2) the type who are socially awkward/super intelligent/desperate... who dress up, spend lots of money on buying girls drinks....hoping to get one girl drunk enough where their desperation shrinks, and the nerd/freak/weirdo become attractive to her.

so to anyone who has any better suggestion of where singles mingle, or knows where the normal single guys are hiding - I'm all ears

onlinedatingscaresme.com

so when my mother starts calls my dog her "granddog",
asks you if you've considered freezing your eggs ...
(i couldnt make this shit up if i wanted to)
and then tells you about the secretary's cousin's son who met his Russian wife online,
you kinda know what station her train of thought is about to chug into....

ONLINE dating

while you appreciate her once again "caring" intrusion into your social life (or lack there of) the thought of legitimately trying online dating is both intriguing and terrifying.

intruiguing in that you can already filter out the ones
(A) you're not attracted to
(B) share no life goals with
(C) belongs to some obscure/cult religion that you could never possibly consider joining or exposing your future children to,
or
(D) out of your age range.
(including blue pill-popping sugar daddies and/or cougar-seeking college boys)

terrifying that
(A) you would actually have to put your photo online with a contact method
(B) if (and that's a big IF) you meet someone who can manage to keep a conversation going with you, that you'll have to meet this stranger in public for a potential belly-flop date. in which case you have to start the process all over
(C) a really not cool way of telling your grandkids of how ya'll met and
(D) have to shell out money to get the work of filtering out the freaks

although you do have to wonder....
in this day and age where technology changes every aspect of how we live life, ( internet, cell phones, caller-ID, GPS, etc)
why is it so hard for us to embrace that technology has changed dating?

it's already changed life where its harder/less common to meet people face-to-face rather than teleconferences, IM/FB chat, or web mtgs...

how can we not expect it to change how we do meet potential matches?

if tech can take away human contact,
it sure as hell owes us some sort of benefit in return

(aka: slide-show preview of our future alimony payers)
;-)

"aye aye captain" - the sequel

so a random drunken text has led to the revival of our old friend - the Lt.
due to distance, we had had some pretty amazing (as much as possible) late night phone "talks"; however, as previously posted, after our dates, i got the "its not you, its me" speech.
so i was mildly shocked the other night when my slightly-alcohol-numbed self texted ' i miss our "talks" ', and i ACTUALLY got a phone call the next minute.
which led to some re-hashing of the "i cant date right now" speech... which he re-phrased into "we can date, if we take it slow" (his words, not mine folks), i was intruiged enough by our intellectual/sense of humor connection that i still missed (1st mental/humor connection with a single guy since B) to humor him with a late night "talk" (largely exaggerated {aka faked} in my inebrieated state)
apparently that re-opened the whole can of worms as i got yet another call the next day. for antoher late night "talk". which was abruptly ended when he "realized how LATE it was". how rude.
which leads my still-bruised ego to ponder if he's geniunely interested in me, or if he wants to put up just enough of a farce to make me think we're dating (and thus move to 3rd base), or if he's just using me because he lives where its 80%+ male and most of the females are butch or "ladies of the night"....
i dont want to let my jaded heart miss out on something that COULD be really fantastic. but i also dont want to get strung along until he gets his.
my heart doesnt need to be sent through the meat processor again so soon.

case of the crazies

Anyone ever watched the hilarious quirky comedy Scrubs? If so you know Elliot – the girl that the adorable Zach Braff character is in (and out of) love with.

That girl has ISSUES. You name it – she’s obsessing over it, paranoid about it, or inappropriately sharing about it (often with complete strangers).
Now I can't say that I “relate” to everything that she goes through (or puts herself through)…but there’s a lot about women that men can take from this girl, while not gagging through Dr Phil or Oprah
[*side note* “Girls Next Door” does not count as a window into the thoughts of “real women”]

Point-in-case: Elliot’s an independent woman – making her own moola, while kicking ass (sometimes her own) and taking names. When, I ask you, does she turn into an emotional, clinging wet blanket …. when she falls IN LOVE!!!

There is something about falling in love, trusting someone that makes you vulnerable in ways you never dreamed possible. I’m talking about love, people, not sex. We all know sex makes you vulnerable – someone see you naked (if you’re doing it right)… and everyone has body issues. There’s technique to worry about, orgasms, staying afterwards, morning breath, and awkward goodbyes.
Love, however, entails feeling SO MUCH about this person that its almost sensory over-load…and believing that they love you back just as much. Love is so much that I can’t even get into it or even explain it in words because I would lose any hope of a focused train of thought (if I haven’t already). You know what love is… most of you have experienced it. If not, hope to God that you do find it at least once in your life… it’s horrible / wonderful / miserable / exhilarating all at once… and there is absolutely nothing like it in the entire world.
(keep in mind that this is coming from a woman jaded by a broken several year-long relationship… and I’m STILL saying this)

Elliot falls in love with Rick Schroeder who’s character’s name I cant remember (something Flowers). In her quest to make, keep, and maintain this relationship, she hides her “quirks”. Random inappropriate stupid thoughts/actions that are part of who she is. The point is that she hides it from him until she just can’t - and then it starts spilling over on people throughout the hospital.

Now the truth in that is that every woman at some point in some relationship has hidden part of who she is. Who hasn’t felt like you need to hide those “crazy” parts of you so that he can get to know because you just KNOW that if he gets to REALLY know you – those crazies won’t matter. Whether its alphabetizing your DVDs, arranging your closet by colors, wearing underwear with days of the week on it, or obsessively checking under the bed every night – there’s a “crazy” part in each of us.
I personally have been to both extremes while in love. 1st serious boyfriend – I was miss independent until I fell head over heels for him. As I envisioned our life together and matching monogrammed towels, things began to unravel. After one particularly impassioned argument, he informed me that my independence that he loved so much about me was gone and that my clingy, emotional-needy dependence on him was too much. Here I was believing that this guy was The One – how I loved being with him every day, talking to him every night, spending weekends and holidays together …only to be brutally faced with his version of me being “clingy”. Talk about harsh reality.
Zoom forward to rebound boyfriend – determined to keep my independence, I drove myself everywhere, refused to get attached to his family or spend any holidays with them. I spent weekends alone after assuring him how great it was that he go fishing with the guys, or to that concert. At this extreme, I was in a relationship and still felt alone. Worse yet – I was keeping those “crazies” of wanting to be with him and not telling him for fear of being “clingy”. Needless to say, when we broke up – he told me that he felt like I never let my guard down – and that I didn’t seem to want to be a part of his life and family.

hopefully my next turn on the relationship merry-go-round – I’ll manage to keep the balance. Fall in love, be with him, but keep my girlfriends so that I don’t become an emotional mess on the times we can’t be together – or to just enjoy time apart. I’m also not gonna keep all MY “crazies” in. If he can’t deal with my color-coded pantry organization system, he’s just not worth it. There’s a song playing on country radio called “crazy like you” by Josh Grider. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel about finding that guy -
"I say everybody's crazy so what you need to do You need to find somebody crazy like you Someone you can fuss and fight with And when you make up then you can love all night with Someone who shares your particular point of view Oh they're bound to be crazy, just make sure they're crazy like you"

if nothing else - as Samantha says - "the crazy ones get all the good pills" ;-)

lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat.

so its like i am swimming in the dating ocean, and i keep getting sucked into the same ole shitty riptide.

Lt gave me the whole " its not you, its me" speech. something about how his life is really confusing right now and he doenst want to drag me along when he doesnt know where he's gonna end up or if he's even in a place to be in a relationship right now.
okay i do acknowledge that his career has lately been totally twisted inside out and splattered against a wall, but the little voice in my head cant get the whole "he's just not that into you" line of thinking outta my head and that this is all a crock of shit. plus he got the standard "bj are for boyfriends" speech, and that rarely goes over well.

back to the proof: (1) why would you be dating if you didnt want to possibly be in a relationship. Dating LEADS to relationships (for most people, at least! men may still see it as the archaic equation of paying for dinner = putting out).
(2) the insecure voice in my head wonders if he jsut wasnt that attracted to me and somehow has reasoned that this is somehow an easier let down or less painful
(aka easier for the male, more confusing for the female)

WHY do i keep attracting losers, emotionally unavailable men or nymphomaniacs?!?! spare me the bullcrap of that i'm subconsciouly choosing these guys because i know that a relationship will never formate. for the first time in about 2 years, i actually feel ready to date. i like my life and i WANT someone to share it with. and i honestly thought I was doing a halfway good job of filtering out the freaks..... AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
i need to hire a matchmaker to do the dirty work for me and figure out all their neurosis BEFORE i date them!