so a random drunken text has led to the revival of our old friend - the Lt.
due to distance, we had had some pretty amazing (as much as possible) late night phone "talks"; however, as previously posted, after our dates, i got the "its not you, its me" speech.
so i was mildly shocked the other night when my slightly-alcohol-numbed self texted ' i miss our "talks" ', and i ACTUALLY got a phone call the next minute.
which led to some re-hashing of the "i cant date right now" speech... which he re-phrased into "we can date, if we take it slow" (his words, not mine folks), i was intruiged enough by our intellectual/sense of humor connection that i still missed (1st mental/humor connection with a single guy since B) to humor him with a late night "talk" (largely exaggerated {aka faked} in my inebrieated state)
apparently that re-opened the whole can of worms as i got yet another call the next day. for antoher late night "talk". which was abruptly ended when he "realized how LATE it was". how rude.
which leads my still-bruised ego to ponder if he's geniunely interested in me, or if he wants to put up just enough of a farce to make me think we're dating (and thus move to 3rd base), or if he's just using me because he lives where its 80%+ male and most of the females are butch or "ladies of the night"....
i dont want to let my jaded heart miss out on something that COULD be really fantastic. but i also dont want to get strung along until he gets his.
my heart doesnt need to be sent through the meat processor again so soon.
8.26.2008
8.25.2008
"to infiniti... and BEYOND"
the suave businessman races up the fire escape stairs...
the music swells...
the modern-day Rapunzel tosses her fiery auburn hair and dazzles with her brilliant HUGE smile...
her white knight has come to save her.... and so she turns around and saves him right back
all of the anticipation, thrills, disappointments have led to THIS moment. the climax is here
and the kiss is pure magic.
"i love you...", " i love you too"
the camera pans out. credits roll. happily ever after
three little words.
so small.........yet so powerful
they change your feelings, stir your desires, make you hope, stretch your dreams.
they change your life
(no, not in an instant - welcome to real life)
and with these 3 words, the couple goes on to live happily ever after. forever and ever.
"for the rest of all time"
never does this "i love you" lead you to believe that this couple will only be together until he loses his job and she leaves him for the pool boy.
nor do you believe that their love cannot withstand a second mortgage while dealing with his parents' failing health, a college-bound daughter headed out of state, and their son's alcohol rehab program.
in fact, nothing about those 3 little words leads you to believe that it will NOT be forever!
and for those of us who have experienced love - i dont think anyone says those words believing that "their love" is a temporary affliction. one that will eventually fail and break their heart
c'mon people - if you knew for certain your heart would get shredded, that the relationship would end and you would be stuck with the memories, regrets, .... reminders of it all. no one would even attempt to connect with that other person, much less chance falling in love. we'd all just screw like bunnies.
skeptics may say that my Hollywood rose-glasses are the reason behind my unrealistic expectation of love. i say its not so
and as proof for society's court, i bring my grandparents - 50+ years strong and counting. my parents - 30 years of married bliss. my aunt and uncle - 40+ years, my granny and my pops (RIP) had almost 50 years of holy matrimony.
so dont tell me its the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies that set my bar for love so high.
Hollywood may have skewed my expecations of the "perfect date" but i have living proof that "i love you" can mean forever. that it does mean commitment and loyalty. and that I shouldn't have to settle for it meaning any less
the music swells...
the modern-day Rapunzel tosses her fiery auburn hair and dazzles with her brilliant HUGE smile...
her white knight has come to save her.... and so she turns around and saves him right back
all of the anticipation, thrills, disappointments have led to THIS moment. the climax is here
and the kiss is pure magic.
"i love you...", " i love you too"
the camera pans out. credits roll. happily ever after
three little words.
so small.........yet so powerful
they change your feelings, stir your desires, make you hope, stretch your dreams.
they change your life
(no, not in an instant - welcome to real life)
and with these 3 words, the couple goes on to live happily ever after. forever and ever.
"for the rest of all time"
never does this "i love you" lead you to believe that this couple will only be together until he loses his job and she leaves him for the pool boy.
nor do you believe that their love cannot withstand a second mortgage while dealing with his parents' failing health, a college-bound daughter headed out of state, and their son's alcohol rehab program.
in fact, nothing about those 3 little words leads you to believe that it will NOT be forever!
and for those of us who have experienced love - i dont think anyone says those words believing that "their love" is a temporary affliction. one that will eventually fail and break their heart
c'mon people - if you knew for certain your heart would get shredded, that the relationship would end and you would be stuck with the memories, regrets, .... reminders of it all. no one would even attempt to connect with that other person, much less chance falling in love. we'd all just screw like bunnies.
skeptics may say that my Hollywood rose-glasses are the reason behind my unrealistic expectation of love. i say its not so
and as proof for society's court, i bring my grandparents - 50+ years strong and counting. my parents - 30 years of married bliss. my aunt and uncle - 40+ years, my granny and my pops (RIP) had almost 50 years of holy matrimony.
so dont tell me its the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies that set my bar for love so high.
Hollywood may have skewed my expecations of the "perfect date" but i have living proof that "i love you" can mean forever. that it does mean commitment and loyalty. and that I shouldn't have to settle for it meaning any less
8.01.2008
the cold hard truth
as hard as it is to even acknowledge the thoughts, much less, see them typed on my screen through tear-blurried eyes, i'm hoping that laying my bruised scarred heart out in the open will be theraputic. because I HAVE to move on. I want to love again.
and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...
it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.
everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".
so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.
after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.
so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.
when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.
and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]
and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...
in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.
my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."
as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....
and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...
it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.
everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".
so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.
after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.
so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.
when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.
and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]
and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...
in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.
my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."
as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....
7.25.2008
Morse Code: beep beep beep... beep beep. beep beep beep.
To all the single women -
"You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting you. Because if it is, we're all over that shit. Thanks"
- all single men-
"You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting you. Because if it is, we're all over that shit. Thanks"
- all single men-
7.24.2008
case of the crazies
Anyone ever watched the hilarious quirky comedy Scrubs? If so you know Elliot – the girl that the adorable Zach Braff character is in (and out of) love with.
That girl has ISSUES. You name it – she’s obsessing over it, paranoid about it, or inappropriately sharing about it (often with complete strangers).
Now I can't say that I “relate” to everything that she goes through (or puts herself through)…but there’s a lot about women that men can take from this girl, while not gagging through Dr Phil or Oprah
[*side note* “Girls Next Door” does not count as a window into the thoughts of “real women”]
Point-in-case: Elliot’s an independent woman – making her own moola, while kicking ass (sometimes her own) and taking names. When, I ask you, does she turn into an emotional, clinging wet blanket …. when she falls IN LOVE!!!
There is something about falling in love, trusting someone that makes you vulnerable in ways you never dreamed possible. I’m talking about love, people, not sex. We all know sex makes you vulnerable – someone see you naked (if you’re doing it right)… and everyone has body issues. There’s technique to worry about, orgasms, staying afterwards, morning breath, and awkward goodbyes.
Love, however, entails feeling SO MUCH about this person that its almost sensory over-load…and believing that they love you back just as much. Love is so much that I can’t even get into it or even explain it in words because I would lose any hope of a focused train of thought (if I haven’t already). You know what love is… most of you have experienced it. If not, hope to God that you do find it at least once in your life… it’s horrible / wonderful / miserable / exhilarating all at once… and there is absolutely nothing like it in the entire world.
(keep in mind that this is coming from a woman jaded by a broken several year-long relationship… and I’m STILL saying this)
Elliot falls in love with Rick Schroeder who’s character’s name I cant remember (something Flowers). In her quest to make, keep, and maintain this relationship, she hides her “quirks”. Random inappropriate stupid thoughts/actions that are part of who she is. The point is that she hides it from him until she just can’t - and then it starts spilling over on people throughout the hospital.
Now the truth in that is that every woman at some point in some relationship has hidden part of who she is. Who hasn’t felt like you need to hide those “crazy” parts of you so that he can get to know because you just KNOW that if he gets to REALLY know you – those crazies won’t matter. Whether its alphabetizing your DVDs, arranging your closet by colors, wearing underwear with days of the week on it, or obsessively checking under the bed every night – there’s a “crazy” part in each of us.
I personally have been to both extremes while in love. 1st serious boyfriend – I was miss independent until I fell head over heels for him. As I envisioned our life together and matching monogrammed towels, things began to unravel. After one particularly impassioned argument, he informed me that my independence that he loved so much about me was gone and that my clingy, emotional-needy dependence on him was too much. Here I was believing that this guy was The One – how I loved being with him every day, talking to him every night, spending weekends and holidays together …only to be brutally faced with his version of me being “clingy”. Talk about harsh reality.
Zoom forward to rebound boyfriend – determined to keep my independence, I drove myself everywhere, refused to get attached to his family or spend any holidays with them. I spent weekends alone after assuring him how great it was that he go fishing with the guys, or to that concert. At this extreme, I was in a relationship and still felt alone. Worse yet – I was keeping those “crazies” of wanting to be with him and not telling him for fear of being “clingy”. Needless to say, when we broke up – he told me that he felt like I never let my guard down – and that I didn’t seem to want to be a part of his life and family.
hopefully my next turn on the relationship merry-go-round – I’ll manage to keep the balance. Fall in love, be with him, but keep my girlfriends so that I don’t become an emotional mess on the times we can’t be together – or to just enjoy time apart. I’m also not gonna keep all MY “crazies” in. If he can’t deal with my color-coded pantry organization system, he’s just not worth it. There’s a song playing on country radio called “crazy like you” by Josh Grider. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel about finding that guy -
"I say everybody's crazy so what you need to do You need to find somebody crazy like you Someone you can fuss and fight with And when you make up then you can love all night with Someone who shares your particular point of view Oh they're bound to be crazy, just make sure they're crazy like you"
if nothing else - as Samantha says - "the crazy ones get all the good pills" ;-)
That girl has ISSUES. You name it – she’s obsessing over it, paranoid about it, or inappropriately sharing about it (often with complete strangers).
Now I can't say that I “relate” to everything that she goes through (or puts herself through)…but there’s a lot about women that men can take from this girl, while not gagging through Dr Phil or Oprah
[*side note* “Girls Next Door” does not count as a window into the thoughts of “real women”]
Point-in-case: Elliot’s an independent woman – making her own moola, while kicking ass (sometimes her own) and taking names. When, I ask you, does she turn into an emotional, clinging wet blanket …. when she falls IN LOVE!!!
There is something about falling in love, trusting someone that makes you vulnerable in ways you never dreamed possible. I’m talking about love, people, not sex. We all know sex makes you vulnerable – someone see you naked (if you’re doing it right)… and everyone has body issues. There’s technique to worry about, orgasms, staying afterwards, morning breath, and awkward goodbyes.
Love, however, entails feeling SO MUCH about this person that its almost sensory over-load…and believing that they love you back just as much. Love is so much that I can’t even get into it or even explain it in words because I would lose any hope of a focused train of thought (if I haven’t already). You know what love is… most of you have experienced it. If not, hope to God that you do find it at least once in your life… it’s horrible / wonderful / miserable / exhilarating all at once… and there is absolutely nothing like it in the entire world.
(keep in mind that this is coming from a woman jaded by a broken several year-long relationship… and I’m STILL saying this)
Elliot falls in love with Rick Schroeder who’s character’s name I cant remember (something Flowers). In her quest to make, keep, and maintain this relationship, she hides her “quirks”. Random inappropriate stupid thoughts/actions that are part of who she is. The point is that she hides it from him until she just can’t - and then it starts spilling over on people throughout the hospital.
Now the truth in that is that every woman at some point in some relationship has hidden part of who she is. Who hasn’t felt like you need to hide those “crazy” parts of you so that he can get to know because you just KNOW that if he gets to REALLY know you – those crazies won’t matter. Whether its alphabetizing your DVDs, arranging your closet by colors, wearing underwear with days of the week on it, or obsessively checking under the bed every night – there’s a “crazy” part in each of us.
I personally have been to both extremes while in love. 1st serious boyfriend – I was miss independent until I fell head over heels for him. As I envisioned our life together and matching monogrammed towels, things began to unravel. After one particularly impassioned argument, he informed me that my independence that he loved so much about me was gone and that my clingy, emotional-needy dependence on him was too much. Here I was believing that this guy was The One – how I loved being with him every day, talking to him every night, spending weekends and holidays together …only to be brutally faced with his version of me being “clingy”. Talk about harsh reality.
Zoom forward to rebound boyfriend – determined to keep my independence, I drove myself everywhere, refused to get attached to his family or spend any holidays with them. I spent weekends alone after assuring him how great it was that he go fishing with the guys, or to that concert. At this extreme, I was in a relationship and still felt alone. Worse yet – I was keeping those “crazies” of wanting to be with him and not telling him for fear of being “clingy”. Needless to say, when we broke up – he told me that he felt like I never let my guard down – and that I didn’t seem to want to be a part of his life and family.
hopefully my next turn on the relationship merry-go-round – I’ll manage to keep the balance. Fall in love, be with him, but keep my girlfriends so that I don’t become an emotional mess on the times we can’t be together – or to just enjoy time apart. I’m also not gonna keep all MY “crazies” in. If he can’t deal with my color-coded pantry organization system, he’s just not worth it. There’s a song playing on country radio called “crazy like you” by Josh Grider. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel about finding that guy -
"I say everybody's crazy so what you need to do You need to find somebody crazy like you Someone you can fuss and fight with And when you make up then you can love all night with Someone who shares your particular point of view Oh they're bound to be crazy, just make sure they're crazy like you"
if nothing else - as Samantha says - "the crazy ones get all the good pills" ;-)
7.22.2008
7.21.2008
lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat.
so its like i am swimming in the dating ocean, and i keep getting sucked into the same ole shitty riptide.
Lt gave me the whole " its not you, its me" speech. something about how his life is really confusing right now and he doenst want to drag me along when he doesnt know where he's gonna end up or if he's even in a place to be in a relationship right now.
okay i do acknowledge that his career has lately been totally twisted inside out and splattered against a wall, but the little voice in my head cant get the whole "he's just not that into you" line of thinking outta my head and that this is all a crock of shit. plus he got the standard "bj are for boyfriends" speech, and that rarely goes over well.
back to the proof: (1) why would you be dating if you didnt want to possibly be in a relationship. Dating LEADS to relationships (for most people, at least! men may still see it as the archaic equation of paying for dinner = putting out).
(2) the insecure voice in my head wonders if he jsut wasnt that attracted to me and somehow has reasoned that this is somehow an easier let down or less painful
(aka easier for the male, more confusing for the female)
WHY do i keep attracting losers, emotionally unavailable men or nymphomaniacs?!?! spare me the bullcrap of that i'm subconsciouly choosing these guys because i know that a relationship will never formate. for the first time in about 2 years, i actually feel ready to date. i like my life and i WANT someone to share it with. and i honestly thought I was doing a halfway good job of filtering out the freaks..... AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
i need to hire a matchmaker to do the dirty work for me and figure out all their neurosis BEFORE i date them!
Lt gave me the whole " its not you, its me" speech. something about how his life is really confusing right now and he doenst want to drag me along when he doesnt know where he's gonna end up or if he's even in a place to be in a relationship right now.
okay i do acknowledge that his career has lately been totally twisted inside out and splattered against a wall, but the little voice in my head cant get the whole "he's just not that into you" line of thinking outta my head and that this is all a crock of shit. plus he got the standard "bj are for boyfriends" speech, and that rarely goes over well.
back to the proof: (1) why would you be dating if you didnt want to possibly be in a relationship. Dating LEADS to relationships (for most people, at least! men may still see it as the archaic equation of paying for dinner = putting out).
(2) the insecure voice in my head wonders if he jsut wasnt that attracted to me and somehow has reasoned that this is somehow an easier let down or less painful
(aka easier for the male, more confusing for the female)
WHY do i keep attracting losers, emotionally unavailable men or nymphomaniacs?!?! spare me the bullcrap of that i'm subconsciouly choosing these guys because i know that a relationship will never formate. for the first time in about 2 years, i actually feel ready to date. i like my life and i WANT someone to share it with. and i honestly thought I was doing a halfway good job of filtering out the freaks..... AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
i need to hire a matchmaker to do the dirty work for me and figure out all their neurosis BEFORE i date them!
7.14.2008
meet Mister F
so... this guy (hence referred to as "F") has been tossed around in my mind for awhile now and i just cant get him out of my head.
we "met", interestingly enough, when i was bored, lonely, and had had enough wine to be brave - to make a myspace account. looked for anyone single (male or female) near my age (read: no old geezers or high school kids) that lived in this medium sized/socially-challenged town.
he accepted my friend request and actually sent me message ( just a standard "hey how's it going" ). we've talked on and off for a few months now. met for drinks. flirted a bit. and have had drinks a few times again since then. we have similar upbringings, have somewhat similar values, and both enjoy beer. plenty for a friendship.
so when we were out for drinks the other night, and he mentioned/ragged on this girl he dated a month ago (remember - thought he was single), i was thrown for a loop & didnt know what to say.
[side note: there are FEW times in this woman's life when she is speechless and cannot come up with a witty remark, or at the very least - a sharp sarcastic barb.]
what left me speechless was not that i didnt know about her. (we're just friends)
it was the reason why he abruptly brought her into the conversation
- is this to signal to me that he's now available?
- or is this because he's stuck for conversation, didnt want an awkward lull and grasped at a short straw...
as the legend goes, men are simple. so i know i'm over-analyzing what (and why) he said. but sometimes small miscommunications can lead to big losses. and i dont want to stumble over a subtle "signal" to put myself out there, or even just flirt more.
i need a male/female translation dictionary.
is Webster up for taking that on?
we "met", interestingly enough, when i was bored, lonely, and had had enough wine to be brave - to make a myspace account. looked for anyone single (male or female) near my age (read: no old geezers or high school kids) that lived in this medium sized/socially-challenged town.
he accepted my friend request and actually sent me message ( just a standard "hey how's it going" ). we've talked on and off for a few months now. met for drinks. flirted a bit. and have had drinks a few times again since then. we have similar upbringings, have somewhat similar values, and both enjoy beer. plenty for a friendship.
so when we were out for drinks the other night, and he mentioned/ragged on this girl he dated a month ago (remember - thought he was single), i was thrown for a loop & didnt know what to say.
[side note: there are FEW times in this woman's life when she is speechless and cannot come up with a witty remark, or at the very least - a sharp sarcastic barb.]
what left me speechless was not that i didnt know about her. (we're just friends)
it was the reason why he abruptly brought her into the conversation
- is this to signal to me that he's now available?
- or is this because he's stuck for conversation, didnt want an awkward lull and grasped at a short straw...
as the legend goes, men are simple. so i know i'm over-analyzing what (and why) he said. but sometimes small miscommunications can lead to big losses. and i dont want to stumble over a subtle "signal" to put myself out there, or even just flirt more.
i need a male/female translation dictionary.
is Webster up for taking that on?
7.07.2008
"aye aye captain"
so cute lieutenant and i have a date on the riverwalk. he's smart, witty, not psycho, no seemingly obvious flaws and looks like farve in the face (bonus pts).
hotel is booked (back up plan: friend's couch 30 mins away) and i'm letting myself get kinda psyched. still holding back for the inevitable letdown.
[side note: why cant i let myself believe that someone good is going to come along... and ACTUALLY be with me?!? hmm... could be the abandonment issues the 3yr ex abrubtly left me with...]
cant decide if i'm more excited about good mexican food and el mercado... or the lt
in other great (but expensive news) - bought a new (to me) car. that gets way better gas milage than the gray gremlin. :-)
hotel is booked (back up plan: friend's couch 30 mins away) and i'm letting myself get kinda psyched. still holding back for the inevitable letdown.
[side note: why cant i let myself believe that someone good is going to come along... and ACTUALLY be with me?!? hmm... could be the abandonment issues the 3yr ex abrubtly left me with...]
cant decide if i'm more excited about good mexican food and el mercado... or the lt
in other great (but expensive news) - bought a new (to me) car. that gets way better gas milage than the gray gremlin. :-)
7.02.2008
karma
"I am not one to chase fate. In my opinion, karma will be a BIGGER bitch than I choose to be."
i so wish i could believe this. If i had unprotected sex, i'd probably end up with a venereal disease. she ended up with B (now- her hot hubby) and a baby. what gives?
i think god says "no" to me being happy...
i so wish i could believe this. If i had unprotected sex, i'd probably end up with a venereal disease. she ended up with B (now- her hot hubby) and a baby. what gives?
i think god says "no" to me being happy...
6.30.2008
if you have XY chromosomes, pay attention. volume 1
okay 3 small lessons for members of the male gender. i'll start slow so not to overwhelm you...
(1) ignore the "3 day" rule after dates. technology has obliterated the effectiveness of not calling. we know you're on facebook, or twittering, or posting photos on myspace. what we dont understand is if you're into us, why you're not calling. so call... or risk being written off.
(2) if you're not into us, let us know right NOW! dont play games, string us along, or pretend to care about "hurting OUR feelings". sooner is better than later.
"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." true then, still true today!
(3) be a gentleman. chivalry may, for all formal purposes, be dead. but in our deepest of hearts, we want the white knight to open the door, pay for dinner, and kiss us goodnight at our doorstep. if we're jonesing for more - have no fear - we'll pull you inside and rip your clothes off. :-)
class adjorned... for now
(1) ignore the "3 day" rule after dates. technology has obliterated the effectiveness of not calling. we know you're on facebook, or twittering, or posting photos on myspace. what we dont understand is if you're into us, why you're not calling. so call... or risk being written off.
(2) if you're not into us, let us know right NOW! dont play games, string us along, or pretend to care about "hurting OUR feelings". sooner is better than later.
"hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." true then, still true today!
(3) be a gentleman. chivalry may, for all formal purposes, be dead. but in our deepest of hearts, we want the white knight to open the door, pay for dinner, and kiss us goodnight at our doorstep. if we're jonesing for more - have no fear - we'll pull you inside and rip your clothes off. :-)
class adjorned... for now
6.26.2008
vini, vidi, vichi
i came, i saw, i lived
there ought to be a similar phrase for men. "i dated, tried on for size, none of them fit and i'm better off alone."
or so it seems lately....
not only has there been a dry spell lately, but the ones i am attracted to are (a) unavailable (b) all WRONG for me [read: hEaRtBrEaKe] or (c) live too fucking far away
which makes for a very horny, v-club card carrying member.
why do you always want what you can't have. or wont let yourself have....
sometimes the right decisions feel very WRONG
there ought to be a similar phrase for men. "i dated, tried on for size, none of them fit and i'm better off alone."
or so it seems lately....
not only has there been a dry spell lately, but the ones i am attracted to are (a) unavailable (b) all WRONG for me [read: hEaRtBrEaKe] or (c) live too fucking far away
which makes for a very horny, v-club card carrying member.
why do you always want what you can't have. or wont let yourself have....
sometimes the right decisions feel very WRONG
6.21.2008
second helpings of leftovers
so why disappear - only to re-appear a month later? when our same problems still prevent us from being togehter (N demands sex in a relationship. i'm not there yet)
and to add a cherry to this clusterfuck - he now lives hundreds of miles away. With the price of gas quickly approaching $4/gal, seeing each other is not easy on the wallet.
plus fitting his oversized head (giant ego included) in any non-giant house or car would be quite the feat. with his braggin about being able to pay for boob jobs (not that i was aware i needed, nor wanted one), that he could get me whatever i wanted - the ironic fact is that i simply want a man who loves me for me
and that, my friends, would be my 2nd helping of love. not cold nasty leftovers of a relationship that never turned out like the recipe said it would
and to add a cherry to this clusterfuck - he now lives hundreds of miles away. With the price of gas quickly approaching $4/gal, seeing each other is not easy on the wallet.
plus fitting his oversized head (giant ego included) in any non-giant house or car would be quite the feat. with his braggin about being able to pay for boob jobs (not that i was aware i needed, nor wanted one), that he could get me whatever i wanted - the ironic fact is that i simply want a man who loves me for me
and that, my friends, would be my 2nd helping of love. not cold nasty leftovers of a relationship that never turned out like the recipe said it would
6.09.2008
if only the good die young, i might live forever
so quotes are my thing. other people may have movie lines memorized, or sage advice to pass on.
But I like quotes.
Quotes are relateable.
Quotes are (usually) learned from experience - so learn from other's mistakes.
you dont have to re-invent the wheel.
when you dog chews up your fave red high heels - just remember "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ~Josh Billings"
When a random hot guy asks "can have your number" dont think about the fact that he's probably drunk off his @$$, remember "In vino, veritas"
And when the ex love of your life knocks up his gf and then marries her, make this your mantra "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade - and find someone who life gave vodka"
so till next time, remember that "Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live.”
But I like quotes.
Quotes are relateable.
Quotes are (usually) learned from experience - so learn from other's mistakes.
you dont have to re-invent the wheel.
when you dog chews up your fave red high heels - just remember "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ~Josh Billings"
When a random hot guy asks "can have your number" dont think about the fact that he's probably drunk off his @$$, remember "In vino, veritas"
And when the ex love of your life knocks up his gf and then marries her, make this your mantra "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade - and find someone who life gave vodka"
so till next time, remember that "Do what makes you happy, be with who makes you smile, laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live.”
5.18.2008
the truth about women...
so... im not plagarizing. (credited article/author )
this is an article i read on menshealth.com - and its fantastic. and SO TRUE. and i had to share! so read, learn and tuck away for your own secret knowledge. men can always use any help they can get when it comes to women! :-)
Secrets Every Woman Keeps From Her Man
All her naked, sexy (and a little scary) truths revealed
By: Kathryn Eisman
The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.
But there are a lot of things you don't know.
A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't -- and never will -- include you.
You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.
1) My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals -- from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings -- and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.)
Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even -- in fact, especially -- if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.
2) Just looking at your hands can turn me on.
3) When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.
4) I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.
5) I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.
6) I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.
7) I have Googled your exes.
8) When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.
9) My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.
10) I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.
11) I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.
12) When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.
13) When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).
14) You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.
15) I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.
16) I want you to talk a little dirty.
17) At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.
18) I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs -- all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.
19) I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.
20) I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"
21) I check out your butt every time you leave the room.
22) I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"
23) I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you -- through him.
24) Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.
25) I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.
26) Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.
27) I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.
28) If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.
29) If we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.
30) I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.
this is an article i read on menshealth.com - and its fantastic. and SO TRUE. and i had to share! so read, learn and tuck away for your own secret knowledge. men can always use any help they can get when it comes to women! :-)
Secrets Every Woman Keeps From Her Man
All her naked, sexy (and a little scary) truths revealed
By: Kathryn Eisman
The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them.
But there are a lot of things you don't know.
A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't -- and never will -- include you.
You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.
1) My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals -- from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings -- and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.)
Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even -- in fact, especially -- if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.
2) Just looking at your hands can turn me on.
3) When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.
4) I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.
5) I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.
6) I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.
7) I have Googled your exes.
8) When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.
9) My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.
10) I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.
11) I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.
12) When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.
13) When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).
14) You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.
15) I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.
16) I want you to talk a little dirty.
17) At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.
18) I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs -- all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.
19) I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.
20) I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"
21) I check out your butt every time you leave the room.
22) I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"
23) I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you -- through him.
24) Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.
25) I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.
26) Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.
27) I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.
28) If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.
29) If we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.
30) I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.
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