i just love this song by Don Williams... (especially now that there is that someone in my life with similar values and common traits.) This song epitomizes simple Southern beliefs and values. they may not always hold true but they're tradition. and around here - traditions stick like my momma says that grits stick to your ribs. :-)
"I don't believe in superstars,Organic food and foreign cars.I don't believe the price of gold;The certainty of growing old.That right is right and left is wrong,That north and south can't get along.That east is east and west is west.And being first is always best.
But I believe in love.I believe in babies.I believe in Mom and Dad.And I believe in you.
Well, I don't believe that heaven waits,For only those who congregate.I like to think of God as love:He's down below, He's up above.He's watching people everywhere.He knows who does and doesn't care.And I'm an ordinary man,Sometimes I wonder who I am.
But I believe in love.I believe in music.I believe in magic.And I believe in you.
I don't believe virginity,Is as common as it used to be. In working days and sleeping nights,That black is black and white is white. That Superman and Robin Hood,Are still alive in Hollywood.That gasoline's in short supply,The rising cost of getting by.
But I believe in love.I believe in old folks. I believe in children.I believe in you.And I believe in love.I believe in babies.I believe in Mom and Dad.And I believe in you"
11.11.2008
paging Dr Freud
i need to learn to take my own advice...
in re-reading my own blog. i came across a quote - "never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them".
i cant believe i was questioning a possibly incredible future over someone who cant even return a call or msg. much less what's going on
you'd think i'd learn from lessons learned. of those who cant, or wont, commit. for those who i'm not a priority to.
in matters of the heart - do I keep making the same mistakes... or am I just always dating the same guy?
in re-reading my own blog. i came across a quote - "never make someone your priority when you're only an option to them".
i cant believe i was questioning a possibly incredible future over someone who cant even return a call or msg. much less what's going on
you'd think i'd learn from lessons learned. of those who cant, or wont, commit. for those who i'm not a priority to.
in matters of the heart - do I keep making the same mistakes... or am I just always dating the same guy?
10.22.2008
Pulitzer Prize... here we come
my friend and I should write a book.
the conversation went something like this...
"the logical part of my brain knows that you're right. I just cant get the emotional-irrational part of my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"well my first reaction would be to throw some alcohol at the problem. but that might have the opposite effect in this case...."
the conversation went something like this...
"the logical part of my brain knows that you're right. I just cant get the emotional-irrational part of my brain to SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"well my first reaction would be to throw some alcohol at the problem. but that might have the opposite effect in this case...."
10.03.2008
kiss = relationship. making out = marriage
okay....
so a intoxicating night of greasy tex-mex, whiskey and dancing...
my hormones have beaten me into submission, & i'm a horny girl with her beer goggles firmly intact
yeah. past experience should have prepared me for this one.
not only did i get snubbed without a kiss, i get this ego-slamming text: "i wanted to kiss you tonight but i'm not ready for a gf"
WTF?!? since when did kissing = girlfriend???*
i just wanted to have some fun but now i'm going to bed pissed-off, drunk and lonely!
what a shitty combination - ARRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!
*you know, my dim recollection does re-call this guy dating some girl because they made out at a party and then she put they were "dating" in FB. for no other reason that those. pretty sure he couldnt have picked her out of a line-up.
so a intoxicating night of greasy tex-mex, whiskey and dancing...
my hormones have beaten me into submission, & i'm a horny girl with her beer goggles firmly intact
yeah. past experience should have prepared me for this one.
not only did i get snubbed without a kiss, i get this ego-slamming text: "i wanted to kiss you tonight but i'm not ready for a gf"
WTF?!? since when did kissing = girlfriend???*
i just wanted to have some fun but now i'm going to bed pissed-off, drunk and lonely!
what a shitty combination - ARRRGGGGGGGGGHHH!
*you know, my dim recollection does re-call this guy dating some girl because they made out at a party and then she put they were "dating" in FB. for no other reason that those. pretty sure he couldnt have picked her out of a line-up.
9.28.2008
anchors away...
the Lt and I are OVER.
O-V-E-R
not that anything tangible ever really began...
the weekend was a distaster from start to finish. so bad that i left early.
and i cried.
damn yankees
O-V-E-R
not that anything tangible ever really began...
the weekend was a distaster from start to finish. so bad that i left early.
and i cried.
damn yankees
9.21.2008
an officer and a gentleman
there's a reason why women swoon over movies with military men.
i dont know what it is wtih this year...i've never dated a military (or ex-military) guy in my life before but suddenly God has bestowed 2 upon me.
one turned out to be a douchebag. and i mean that in the nicest way possible ;-)
the other, however, has definite bf potential.
he's cute, smart, has goals, is motivated, has same small-town upbringing, family oriented, Christian, and is pretty damn HOT too. Yum :-D
and to put a cherry on-top, we had an aMaZiNg 1st date. winery, romantic Italian restaurant, walk through beautiful park in full bloom. good making out ending (yeah probably too fast, but who am I to stop a good thing going....?)
here's to hoping that he calls within that damn 3 day rule
i dont know what it is wtih this year...i've never dated a military (or ex-military) guy in my life before but suddenly God has bestowed 2 upon me.
one turned out to be a douchebag. and i mean that in the nicest way possible ;-)
the other, however, has definite bf potential.
he's cute, smart, has goals, is motivated, has same small-town upbringing, family oriented, Christian, and is pretty damn HOT too. Yum :-D
and to put a cherry on-top, we had an aMaZiNg 1st date. winery, romantic Italian restaurant, walk through beautiful park in full bloom. good making out ending (yeah probably too fast, but who am I to stop a good thing going....?)
here's to hoping that he calls within that damn 3 day rule
9.08.2008
southern men
Men, not boys, with the right upbringing and manners are in short supply.
Say what you will about the South and our bass-ackward ways – you can’t find gentlemen better than the ones raised below the Mason-Dixon line.
Their mommas’ raised them to open doors, call for dates (not by facebook, email or text), and to pull out your chair at dinner.
They offer to buy dinner, walk you to your door, and – if you’re lucky enough to get a kiss – you get “kissed often and by someone who knows how” [Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind].
Personally, I like my men tall, dark and handsome – just like my drinks.
(somewhat ironic since the guys I've dated were blonds – could be why it didn’t work out ;-)
Say what you will about the South and our bass-ackward ways – you can’t find gentlemen better than the ones raised below the Mason-Dixon line.
Their mommas’ raised them to open doors, call for dates (not by facebook, email or text), and to pull out your chair at dinner.
They offer to buy dinner, walk you to your door, and – if you’re lucky enough to get a kiss – you get “kissed often and by someone who knows how” [Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind].
Personally, I like my men tall, dark and handsome – just like my drinks.
(somewhat ironic since the guys I've dated were blonds – could be why it didn’t work out ;-)
8.31.2008
power hour
the singles scene sucks. bar, gym, church, coffeehouse - all of them
i dont care what city, state, country or continent you live on - meeting an available, normal, single man with no fetishes, criminal history, or relationship hang-ups is quite the impossible feat!
-gay
-think they're God's gift to women (you can tell by the 'strut' they do around the gym)
or
-meatheads
all the cute ones are ph-so-obliviously plugged into their i-pods...
seriously - do you never need a water break?!?!
I'm all about an occasional drink but you only meet one of two types in a bar:
(1) the alcoholic who's there 5 nights outta the week. This one knows all the daily specials, drinks 'chuggers' of cheap beer... until every girl in the bar is attractive. Constantly trying to get a piece and relieves the "good ole days" with all the other losers
(2) the type who are socially awkward/super intelligent/desperate... who dress up, spend lots of money on buying girls drinks....hoping to get one girl drunk enough where their desperation shrinks, and the nerd/freak/weirdo become attractive to her.
i dont care what city, state, country or continent you live on - meeting an available, normal, single man with no fetishes, criminal history, or relationship hang-ups is quite the impossible feat!
Coffeehouses:
So coffeehouses - where the mature, intellectual people gather to read, study and generally broaden their minds and perspectives. One would assume you could meet someone intelligent who has a mutual addiction to coffee.
not so
you either meet goofy nerds who are busy playing WOW on their laptops, giggling like schoolgirl
or
you have the "i'm too good for my Armani" snobs who barely meet your glance over their $3000 MacBook Air.
Church:
the quint-essential "meat-market".
its somewhere i'm going to be regardless because that where God calls me to fellowship with like-minded believers.
But the "singles-group" that exists in these is a smoke-screen for a meat-market (no news flash to any of us dating since high school).
however, dont hold your breath hoping to meet someone of similar faith
the only types are the "holier-than-thou"s who act like having a margarita is the downfall of Christianity,
or
(look away if easily offended)
the ugly people who are hoping that "good" people will like them and overlook why they've so far been unable to convince someone to someday procreate with them...
or
the "bad" boys who come to church looking for the "good" girls, who, you know - are secretly bad in disguise. 'that's hot'
AARRRGGGHHHH!
Gym:
i joined the gym b/c
(a) I needed weights to do strength training, which running can't provide allow
(b) i cant run when it rains
(c) i wanted to meet other people who understand the importance of working out to your health and keep physically fit.
(d) whomever i date, its important that he takes care of himself, and working out is a great way to spend quality time together
-gay
-think they're God's gift to women (you can tell by the 'strut' they do around the gym)
or
-meatheads
all the cute ones are ph-so-obliviously plugged into their i-pods...
seriously - do you never need a water break?!?!
Bar
the bar scene is bar-none (pun intended) the worst!I'm all about an occasional drink but you only meet one of two types in a bar:
(1) the alcoholic who's there 5 nights outta the week. This one knows all the daily specials, drinks 'chuggers' of cheap beer... until every girl in the bar is attractive. Constantly trying to get a piece and relieves the "good ole days" with all the other losers
(2) the type who are socially awkward/super intelligent/desperate... who dress up, spend lots of money on buying girls drinks....hoping to get one girl drunk enough where their desperation shrinks, and the nerd/freak/weirdo become attractive to her.
so to anyone who has any better suggestion of where singles mingle, or knows where the normal single guys are hiding - I'm all ears
8.30.2008
shape me, mold me and make me
“Life doesn’t give you the people you want.
It gives you the people you need.
To help you,
to hurt you,
to love you,
and to make you the person you were meant to be.”
It gives you the people you need.
To help you,
to hurt you,
to love you,
and to make you the person you were meant to be.”
8.29.2008
onlinedatingscaresme.com
so when my mother starts calls my dog her "granddog",
asks you if you've considered freezing your eggs ...
(i couldnt make this shit up if i wanted to)
and then tells you about the secretary's cousin's son who met his Russian wife online,
you kinda know what station her train of thought is about to chug into....
ONLINE dating
while you appreciate her once again "caring" intrusion into your social life (or lack there of) the thought of legitimately trying online dating is both intriguing and terrifying.
intruiguing in that you can already filter out the ones
(A) you're not attracted to
(B) share no life goals with
(C) belongs to some obscure/cult religion that you could never possibly consider joining or exposing your future children to,
or
(D) out of your age range.
(including blue pill-popping sugar daddies and/or cougar-seeking college boys)
terrifying that
(A) you would actually have to put your photo online with a contact method
(B) if (and that's a big IF) you meet someone who can manage to keep a conversation going with you, that you'll have to meet this stranger in public for a potential belly-flop date. in which case you have to start the process all over
(C) a really not cool way of telling your grandkids of how ya'll met and
(D) have to shell out money to get the work of filtering out the freaks
although you do have to wonder....
in this day and age where technology changes every aspect of how we live life, ( internet, cell phones, caller-ID, GPS, etc)
why is it so hard for us to embrace that technology has changed dating?
it's already changed life where its harder/less common to meet people face-to-face rather than teleconferences, IM/FB chat, or web mtgs...
how can we not expect it to change how we do meet potential matches?
if tech can take away human contact,
it sure as hell owes us some sort of benefit in return
(aka: slide-show preview of our future alimony payers)
;-)
asks you if you've considered freezing your eggs ...
(i couldnt make this shit up if i wanted to)
and then tells you about the secretary's cousin's son who met his Russian wife online,
you kinda know what station her train of thought is about to chug into....
ONLINE dating
while you appreciate her once again "caring" intrusion into your social life (or lack there of) the thought of legitimately trying online dating is both intriguing and terrifying.
intruiguing in that you can already filter out the ones
(A) you're not attracted to
(B) share no life goals with
(C) belongs to some obscure/cult religion that you could never possibly consider joining or exposing your future children to,
or
(D) out of your age range.
(including blue pill-popping sugar daddies and/or cougar-seeking college boys)
terrifying that
(A) you would actually have to put your photo online with a contact method
(B) if (and that's a big IF) you meet someone who can manage to keep a conversation going with you, that you'll have to meet this stranger in public for a potential belly-flop date. in which case you have to start the process all over
(C) a really not cool way of telling your grandkids of how ya'll met and
(D) have to shell out money to get the work of filtering out the freaks
although you do have to wonder....
in this day and age where technology changes every aspect of how we live life, ( internet, cell phones, caller-ID, GPS, etc)
why is it so hard for us to embrace that technology has changed dating?
it's already changed life where its harder/less common to meet people face-to-face rather than teleconferences, IM/FB chat, or web mtgs...
how can we not expect it to change how we do meet potential matches?
if tech can take away human contact,
it sure as hell owes us some sort of benefit in return
(aka: slide-show preview of our future alimony payers)
;-)
8.28.2008
people
“People are going to want you.
need you, exceed you, take you.
love you, hate you, play you,
rate you, save you and break you.
But that’s what makes you.”
need you, exceed you, take you.
love you, hate you, play you,
rate you, save you and break you.
But that’s what makes you.”
8.27.2008
the secret to my success...
what is the secret to s-u-c-c-e-s-s in life?
most would say "following what you believe/love"
i'm motivated to pursue my passions. right now its my career. one day it might be a family. i dont know. life has no guarantees, so i only know that i will whole-heartedly pursue my heart's deepest desire - whatever that might be.
no one sets out to be mediocre, but sometimes it happens. sometimes life happens.... gets in the way
but only if you let it...
more importantly, you're only mediocre if you allow someone else to define what success means to you
only being a housewife would not be my personal definition of success currently.
but if it IS Suzy Q's definition of success and she's the best damn housewife she can be...
then she should be considered a success.
regardless of our own personal ambitions or pre-conceived expectations of "success"
its mind-boggling how fiercly independent most of us believe we are..... and yet we let ourselves be judged by standards or definitions that others set.
society, parents, church members, friends, co-workers, personal trainers, el hefe, etc.
i dont know that i'll ever really understand all different takes on being a successful female in modern times simply because i'll never be right there. its not the path my life is on right now.
but i can appreciate that there are different walks of life.
and in life, it takes all kinds
most would say "following what you believe/love"
i'm motivated to pursue my passions. right now its my career. one day it might be a family. i dont know. life has no guarantees, so i only know that i will whole-heartedly pursue my heart's deepest desire - whatever that might be.
no one sets out to be mediocre, but sometimes it happens. sometimes life happens.... gets in the way
but only if you let it...
more importantly, you're only mediocre if you allow someone else to define what success means to you
only being a housewife would not be my personal definition of success currently.
but if it IS Suzy Q's definition of success and she's the best damn housewife she can be...
then she should be considered a success.
regardless of our own personal ambitions or pre-conceived expectations of "success"
its mind-boggling how fiercly independent most of us believe we are..... and yet we let ourselves be judged by standards or definitions that others set.
society, parents, church members, friends, co-workers, personal trainers, el hefe, etc.
i dont know that i'll ever really understand all different takes on being a successful female in modern times simply because i'll never be right there. its not the path my life is on right now.
but i can appreciate that there are different walks of life.
and in life, it takes all kinds
8.26.2008
"aye aye captain" - the sequel
so a random drunken text has led to the revival of our old friend - the Lt.
due to distance, we had had some pretty amazing (as much as possible) late night phone "talks"; however, as previously posted, after our dates, i got the "its not you, its me" speech.
so i was mildly shocked the other night when my slightly-alcohol-numbed self texted ' i miss our "talks" ', and i ACTUALLY got a phone call the next minute.
which led to some re-hashing of the "i cant date right now" speech... which he re-phrased into "we can date, if we take it slow" (his words, not mine folks), i was intruiged enough by our intellectual/sense of humor connection that i still missed (1st mental/humor connection with a single guy since B) to humor him with a late night "talk" (largely exaggerated {aka faked} in my inebrieated state)
apparently that re-opened the whole can of worms as i got yet another call the next day. for antoher late night "talk". which was abruptly ended when he "realized how LATE it was". how rude.
which leads my still-bruised ego to ponder if he's geniunely interested in me, or if he wants to put up just enough of a farce to make me think we're dating (and thus move to 3rd base), or if he's just using me because he lives where its 80%+ male and most of the females are butch or "ladies of the night"....
i dont want to let my jaded heart miss out on something that COULD be really fantastic. but i also dont want to get strung along until he gets his.
my heart doesnt need to be sent through the meat processor again so soon.
due to distance, we had had some pretty amazing (as much as possible) late night phone "talks"; however, as previously posted, after our dates, i got the "its not you, its me" speech.
so i was mildly shocked the other night when my slightly-alcohol-numbed self texted ' i miss our "talks" ', and i ACTUALLY got a phone call the next minute.
which led to some re-hashing of the "i cant date right now" speech... which he re-phrased into "we can date, if we take it slow" (his words, not mine folks), i was intruiged enough by our intellectual/sense of humor connection that i still missed (1st mental/humor connection with a single guy since B) to humor him with a late night "talk" (largely exaggerated {aka faked} in my inebrieated state)
apparently that re-opened the whole can of worms as i got yet another call the next day. for antoher late night "talk". which was abruptly ended when he "realized how LATE it was". how rude.
which leads my still-bruised ego to ponder if he's geniunely interested in me, or if he wants to put up just enough of a farce to make me think we're dating (and thus move to 3rd base), or if he's just using me because he lives where its 80%+ male and most of the females are butch or "ladies of the night"....
i dont want to let my jaded heart miss out on something that COULD be really fantastic. but i also dont want to get strung along until he gets his.
my heart doesnt need to be sent through the meat processor again so soon.
8.25.2008
"to infiniti... and BEYOND"
the suave businessman races up the fire escape stairs...
the music swells...
the modern-day Rapunzel tosses her fiery auburn hair and dazzles with her brilliant HUGE smile...
her white knight has come to save her.... and so she turns around and saves him right back
all of the anticipation, thrills, disappointments have led to THIS moment. the climax is here
and the kiss is pure magic.
"i love you...", " i love you too"
the camera pans out. credits roll. happily ever after
three little words.
so small.........yet so powerful
they change your feelings, stir your desires, make you hope, stretch your dreams.
they change your life
(no, not in an instant - welcome to real life)
and with these 3 words, the couple goes on to live happily ever after. forever and ever.
"for the rest of all time"
never does this "i love you" lead you to believe that this couple will only be together until he loses his job and she leaves him for the pool boy.
nor do you believe that their love cannot withstand a second mortgage while dealing with his parents' failing health, a college-bound daughter headed out of state, and their son's alcohol rehab program.
in fact, nothing about those 3 little words leads you to believe that it will NOT be forever!
and for those of us who have experienced love - i dont think anyone says those words believing that "their love" is a temporary affliction. one that will eventually fail and break their heart
c'mon people - if you knew for certain your heart would get shredded, that the relationship would end and you would be stuck with the memories, regrets, .... reminders of it all. no one would even attempt to connect with that other person, much less chance falling in love. we'd all just screw like bunnies.
skeptics may say that my Hollywood rose-glasses are the reason behind my unrealistic expectation of love. i say its not so
and as proof for society's court, i bring my grandparents - 50+ years strong and counting. my parents - 30 years of married bliss. my aunt and uncle - 40+ years, my granny and my pops (RIP) had almost 50 years of holy matrimony.
so dont tell me its the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies that set my bar for love so high.
Hollywood may have skewed my expecations of the "perfect date" but i have living proof that "i love you" can mean forever. that it does mean commitment and loyalty. and that I shouldn't have to settle for it meaning any less
the music swells...
the modern-day Rapunzel tosses her fiery auburn hair and dazzles with her brilliant HUGE smile...
her white knight has come to save her.... and so she turns around and saves him right back
all of the anticipation, thrills, disappointments have led to THIS moment. the climax is here
and the kiss is pure magic.
"i love you...", " i love you too"
the camera pans out. credits roll. happily ever after
three little words.
so small.........yet so powerful
they change your feelings, stir your desires, make you hope, stretch your dreams.
they change your life
(no, not in an instant - welcome to real life)
and with these 3 words, the couple goes on to live happily ever after. forever and ever.
"for the rest of all time"
never does this "i love you" lead you to believe that this couple will only be together until he loses his job and she leaves him for the pool boy.
nor do you believe that their love cannot withstand a second mortgage while dealing with his parents' failing health, a college-bound daughter headed out of state, and their son's alcohol rehab program.
in fact, nothing about those 3 little words leads you to believe that it will NOT be forever!
and for those of us who have experienced love - i dont think anyone says those words believing that "their love" is a temporary affliction. one that will eventually fail and break their heart
c'mon people - if you knew for certain your heart would get shredded, that the relationship would end and you would be stuck with the memories, regrets, .... reminders of it all. no one would even attempt to connect with that other person, much less chance falling in love. we'd all just screw like bunnies.
skeptics may say that my Hollywood rose-glasses are the reason behind my unrealistic expectation of love. i say its not so
and as proof for society's court, i bring my grandparents - 50+ years strong and counting. my parents - 30 years of married bliss. my aunt and uncle - 40+ years, my granny and my pops (RIP) had almost 50 years of holy matrimony.
so dont tell me its the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies that set my bar for love so high.
Hollywood may have skewed my expecations of the "perfect date" but i have living proof that "i love you" can mean forever. that it does mean commitment and loyalty. and that I shouldn't have to settle for it meaning any less
8.01.2008
the cold hard truth
as hard as it is to even acknowledge the thoughts, much less, see them typed on my screen through tear-blurried eyes, i'm hoping that laying my bruised scarred heart out in the open will be theraputic. because I HAVE to move on. I want to love again.
and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...
it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.
everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".
so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.
after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.
so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.
when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.
and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]
and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...
in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.
my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."
as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....
and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...
it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.
everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".
so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.
after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.
so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.
when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.
and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]
and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...
in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.
my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."
as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....
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