shitty start to a new year

I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight

because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)

I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.

And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.

After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)


And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).

I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.

But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!

you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out

To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)

The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.


I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors

but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.

and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.





does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????

saw'em off (or tried to....damn t-sips)

so........ the boy decided to spring on me that I would be meeting his friends prior to last meeting of t.u./Aggies football game (damn you Deloss)here in the South, for a 7pm game against your bitter rival, the BBQ pit starts at dawn.. and the drinking isnt far behind.

after a screwdriver at 11am, you'd feel pretty chatty too

and having steaks offered to you several times (even though I tried declining due to not being an expected guest) doesnt hurt either ;)

but of course, I royally suck at daytime drinking.
*really I am awful at extended-time, paced activity. thus why I run 5ks and not marathons!


and got upset due to lack of affection/general progress in our dating relationship


and with all other emotions due to gma #1 dying this week, I cried.

i really hope his friends didnt see.
still pretty mortified. but you cant get a do-over so I guess if he likes me enough, he'll stick around!

daddy's girl

most self-respecting southern boys know this but it bears repeating....

never ever mess with daddy's little girl.
and for that matter, dont mess with daddy himself.

case-in-point.
gma #1 was in nursing home after broken hip, and not doing well due to an aggravated ulcer/loss of "spark"
gma #2 had been to dr yesterday due to severe lethargy and results would either be something super simple or super bad

I hadn't been dating kountryboy for a month yet even. but we felt even on our first date that we were inexplicably (and unusually) comfortable around each other.

he's originally from another small town about an hr from my small hometown, but only about 20 mins away from the other small town my dad works in
(small town is a running theme in my life, in case you hadnt noticed)

anyways I was home alone, not thinking anything of much except how rough the holidays would be if we lost gma #1 (note to self. dont dwell on how bad it is... it can always get worse) that I didnt expect to hear a knock at the back door.

imagine my surprise when the boy walks in (back in town an hour earlier than normal days) and we're chilling on the couch, cuddling and watching tv when my phone rings. its "home"
I almost ignore the call, but for some unknown reason, pick it up.
mom and dad are on the line with news about gma #2's results. and its bad. very bad
so I cry. he holds me. I listen to options, plan of action, worst/best scenarios.
and then at the end of the conversation, my dad asks about the boy. and this is surprising because I hadnt let on that he was here with me.
and as the certainty of his tone sets me off that something is different, I realize that the boy knew I was getting bad news tonight.

daddy had tracked down his parents through a mutual friend at work and they had passed dad's number to the boy and the boy and dad had talked.
**note that boy and parents have obviously not met yet as we've only been dating a month.**

I am in utter and complete shock. over the news. over my dad's tactics. over conflicting emotions over feeling like the boy has been drug into the inner circle much too soon vs my appreciation for this show of support.

and now all that's left is to take things day by day.... and deal the best I can

kountryboy wink

so about a month ago, I got a wink.

normally, not a big deal. but this guy has winked before. he doesn't look like my normal type.
actually... he reminds me of howdy-doody. maybe just a bad pic?
but hey..... persistence is pretty cute (until it gets stalker-ish creepy. thats just scary).

So anyways we start emailing.
3 weeks later he wants to meet up in town for dinner. sounds good. except that grandma #1 has fallen and broken her hip again (other side), and mom (god bless her heart) needs a reprieve from being caretaker + full time teaching job at h.s.
so she's here with me this weekend.

well when she finds out, she of course, shoves me out the door.
and I'm pretty nervous about him not looking like his pictures. it being the most awkward awful date ever (although,... with my dating past, that would be quite a record to beat).

Anyways I walk in and this lanky 6'3 guy with the biggest smile on your face walks up to me and says (in an adorable country accent)
"are you miss (first name)?".
and just like that we're off.

we shut the restaurant down after 3 hours of talking.

my face literally hurts from smiling so much.
and I cant remember the last time that happened (probably sorority rush my freshman year in college. ick)


ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD to top it off, he wants to watch Steel Magnolias (after me quoting it all the time) so we're heading to his place for a night cap.


eeekkkk!!!!!!!

meeting a guy I can even just *dream* of a future with is so exciting.
and fingers crossed xx we will have chemistry for that first kiss ;)

What do you get when you combine a PMSing woman + GPS?

a crazy b*t# who will hunt your @$$ down!


haha.... that one made me laugh so I need to share.
or maybe it just hit too close to home ;)

real friends...

"real friends know how crazy you really are….. and still choose to be seen in public with you."

and as a bonus ---- a fun Venn diagram!

I'm gonna give that boy a piece of my mind and a swift kick in the pants!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Mullets make me laugh.

An employee in a near-by department has an honest-to-goodness mullett.
Poofy, feathered, farrah-style bangs and straight, razored-cut
shoulder length hair in the back.

And it just MAKES me snicker insidiously whenever I see her.

Hurry up weekend.....the hysteria is building and the craziness is
starting to rub off!!!!

--
Sent from my mobile device

nOone in this household wants to listen to nObama.

Stupid state of the union made my TV choices: ''hellcats" OR ''eloise
goes to the plaza''.

Yet one more reason to heartily dislike nObama.....

--
Sent from my mobile device

thunder thighs

my thunder thighs are literally wearing holes in my jeans where they rub

::sigh::

so much for thinking I was making progress...
I'll have to go fat-girl jean shopping yet again :((

And you might have to put me on suicide watch if I have to buy a
bigger size yet again

you will when you... believe

“Believe…
In yourself
In love
In trust
In magic
in angels
in happy endings
In God
in promises
in miracles
In people
In fairy tales
In following your heart
In peace
in happiness
in never giving up
In following your passions and making your dreams come true
In always having fun
In helping people
in making the world a better place
In changing for the better”

Southern Women

so I've touched upon Southern men, country boys, redneck guys and white-trash males.  but neglected the the pinnacle of all things sacred to Southern living.... Southern WOMEN!!!

 

• we can change a tire without breaking a nail


• have more class in our little finger than most broads up North will have in their whole life


• produce tears without blinking


• flash a little cleavage while still being classy.  or get our way ;)


• out-strategize a man's next 2 moves


• scheme so well as to be a testament to our mommas and grandmamas' legacy


• let the man believe he's in control. or even better - that he thought that great idea up by himself


• birth children .... and whup them as needed


• cook venison (may have shot the damn deer ourselves!)


• make the best sweet tea you've ever tasted (warning: may induce diabetic shock)


• worm our way into many a man's heart


• be the sweetest thang you've ever set eyes on


• pretend oblivious to get what we really want....


• love our men with our whole hearts and souls (Tammy Wynette said it best - "Stand by Your Man!")

and to leave you with just a few of my favorite quotes about myself and other Southern ladies...

 

hooptie clinched the deal

so 74 minutes into a 110 minute conversation (our 1st conversation, mind you)

he said "hooptie". and I cant stop smiling :-D

princess diaries

don't you wish your love life worked like "my fair lady"
--- the guy that plays hard to get, eventually comes around and pursues her.

i know the ones that leave you aren't the ones that love you (or will love and leave you) but it doesn't seem fair sometimes.

the best kisses,
inside jokes,
similar upbringings
and goals for life....

and yet somehow he still doesnt call


WHY CANT HE JUST CALL ALREADY!?!?!

love you long time

been so long. too long. too many thoughts, too many emotions. too many hurts. sometimes its just all too much.
Sometimes when you look back at all the endings, you have to hope when you're with the one that doesn't end - that you can laugh about all the ones that weren't.
right now it just seems like a giant train wreck.
my panic attacks make traveling impossible. so tired of treadmills without results. so wanting to feel loved by someone other than the friends and family that have to. so lonely, and yet so unsure of capacity to be a "couple" again.
do i have what it takes to give unselfishly, to not whiny or belittle, to curb my OCD tendencies for the good of another. i dont have the answers to those questions.
and i dont really know that i'm looking for them
I guess I'm just hoping that if its not to be, God slaps me upside the head with it and makes it painfully obvious
until then, continued secret hope, yoyo btwn happy and single --to-- alone and despair.

Lord I hope its just hormones that make me this out of whack...