been so long. too long. too many thoughts, too many emotions. too many hurts. sometimes its just all too much.
Sometimes when you look back at all the endings, you have to hope when you're with the one that doesn't end - that you can laugh about all the ones that weren't.
right now it just seems like a giant train wreck.
my panic attacks make traveling impossible. so tired of treadmills without results. so wanting to feel loved by someone other than the friends and family that have to. so lonely, and yet so unsure of capacity to be a "couple" again.
do i have what it takes to give unselfishly, to not whiny or belittle, to curb my OCD tendencies for the good of another. i dont have the answers to those questions.
and i dont really know that i'm looking for them
I guess I'm just hoping that if its not to be, God slaps me upside the head with it and makes it painfully obvious
until then, continued secret hope, yoyo btwn happy and single --to-- alone and despair.
Lord I hope its just hormones that make me this out of whack...
