scary real or real scary

Feet throbbing, head pounding – “I’m getting too old for this shit”. Apparently booty-bump dancing, waltzing and 2-stepping till 2am and then continued “festivities” till 4am was getting to be too much for this lady.
After a girls’ night out, I was too pooped to pop.
But sleep eluded me. 4 am, I finally drifted off to sleep – only to wake up 7am (an annoyance that ALWAYS happens when I drink!).

Sleep eluded me because as much as fun as I had, I spent a lot of time watching the door.
Waiting for an ex to walk in and trying to avoid an awkward situation that never even occurred.
I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life, looking over my shoulder…
waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When does that end? Or maybe more importantly, when did that start?!?!
When did life become scary instead of exciting?
When did the fear of failure start ruling my life?

I realize as a “realist”, I tend to focus on the “most likely” event but sometimes I miss the little kid in me that believed in miracles and dreams coming true.

Even the dating game has become scary.
Dating used to be butterflies in my stomach, talking for hours on end, late night walks, huge grins every time you think of him, and dates were things to look forward to – not to obsess and worry over.
Fear of failure –

• aka never finding Mr Right,
  
• fear of rejection,
  
• fear of commitment,
  
• fear of loneliness,
• fear of “settling”…

its enough to make this girl turn in with a good whiskey instead of braving the singles scene.


I wish there was a magical wizard like in the Wizard of Oz (no Pink Floyd included)…
that could give me a brand-new (un-jaded) heart… and maybe a little bit of courage too.
And maybe a masseuse – I could really go for a foot rub right about now.

Till next time – "work like you don’t need the money, love like your heart’s never been broken, and dance like nobody’s watching".

rain

Jolted awake, heart beating out my chest, the storm had arrived.
As the thunder boomed and the lightening flashed through my window, the rain and my emotions swirled in the thick air.
Startled by the storm, my departure from the lovely land of zzzs was not solely due to the wrath of Mother Nature.
I was also aware of the very realistic, very disturbing dream that had me fitfully sleeping.
Frustrated that I slept so poorly after exhausting myself at the gym, the memories of the dream swept over me.

To preface this, the ex from the several year-long relationship had recently updated to “in a relationship” on facebook. For someone who got no closure and whose heart has YET to listen to her head, this was at the very least - a shake up. On one hand, I had so badly wanted him to admit that he screwed up, that he wanted me back – even though I knew that the trust was too badly broken to ever repair the damage. I wanted to blow him off like I felt like he blew our relationship off. [he did literally never talk to me again.]
That has left me wondering if

• (a) he never loved me and just lied for years or
  
• (b) if I was so un-memorable that he fell out of love with you and never looked back.

On the other hand, I wanted to just fall apart and hate him for ever being in my life. I know, I know – there are those who will use the old adage “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”… and that going through that makes me who I am today.
And part of me IS glad that I experienced real love (from my side) at least once in my lifetime… (still hoping to feel that way with someone again). There is nothing in the world as magical and incredible feeling as loving someone.
But the other part of me wishes that I had never met him, never felt that way, and never come out so jaded.

Back to the dream, I was in a college dorm apartment – the one Zach, Slater and Screech had on Saved by The Bell – College Years. (yes, I am a proud child of the 90’s sitcoms).
My roommate Cassie and I are getting along great.
Shopping, running, studying – generally becoming best of friends.
Anyways – next day, she wants me to meet her boyfriend – who, of course, turns out to be none other than my ex.
She tries to explain in earnest how this changes nothing, how we can still be friends.
Tears are streaming down my face and my mascara is running like the delusional Britney fan (note: watch Tosh.0 if you dont already!).
My heart is being ripped out of my chest while still beating (like in Indiana Jones movie).
And all I can think about is how I also want to punch her in the throat. Oh, and cut his cojones off.


As I lay there trying to sleep after that emotional nightmare, I realize how much the rain cleans away– dust, dropped food on the sidewalk, squashed bugs on my windshield…
and I hope that likewise - time cleans away some of my emotional baggage.

This girl wants to focus, not on what shaped who she’s become – but where she’s going and who she has yet to be.
I’m also enjoying “Saved by the Bell” which just came on TBS – Slater is still a HOTTIE!

Till next time - "listen to the thunder, be mesmerized by lightening and dance in the rain."

the donkey & the elephant

so... wondering minds need to know:

what is the fascination with showing up at political rallies or primaries? Why spend hours in a crowded room with dorks and fanatics to see a person full of hot air speak of empty promises that they will most likely renege on? I don't get the appeal.
To be fair - I dont understand the obsession with celebrities either. Why dress up to go to a movie premiere where you stand around in the rain or heat admiring other people (they're just humans too) when you can see the movie at the theater (while wearing sweats if so desired) in a couple weeks?

While I love this country and democracy (yes, even with all of its' flaws), I don't understand the crowd-mentality surrounding the candidates. Before TV, it was a necessity to reach the audience through public speeches, publishing articles in newspapers, etc. But that was back when they said a man in a wheelchair would have never been elected president had the general public had access to television like we do today. Nowadays - those reasons simply don't exist anymore. We have television, radio, internet, widespread world-wide newspapers and periodicals of all sorts. If you have a message - you can get it out there. And don't give me crap about "connecting with constituents". Politicians are consistent, if on nothing else, about forgetting about where they come from and who they represent. Most of them lie/fib, cheat and "steal" to get into office. Mainly because of the power trip they get from holding a public office. An honest politician is about as rare as a snowstorm in Phoenix.

And with all the slimy, underhanded, and borderline-ethical methods that come along with campaigning now - is it even worth showing up? Candidates are planting people to ask questions that they have pre-planned politically correct answers to. Are you truly passionate about the process or do you just get drawn in by the power and magnetic personalities of the candidates - one of whom will be the most powerful man/woman of the United States come November?

i guess i'm just curious what propels people to get off their butt and come to political events. Seeing that our nation is almost at an obesity epidemic - people won't get off the couch and their butts in gear/exercise to save their lives - although, that curiously, is the thing that would save their lives. Pondering minds (probably just mine) wonder what this magical force is that surrounds politics. This curiosity could also be sheer annoyance because all "super tuesday" means is that Scrubs got scrubbed tonight... but I digress. Either way, politics at this stage is alot of bullshit. And the saying goes around here "you can't bullshit a bullshitter."

till next time... donkey or elephant - it's a ride either way.

mad southern lady

I wanted to write about Southern gentlemen - the ones that open doors, ask you out over the phone, use the manners their mommas raised them with, and walk you to your door at the end of the night. But right now I'm madder than a bull seeing red and I dont have anything nice to say about men in general. I had a date with a guy a while ago and he never called...or even taken the low road and texted/emailed. It's way past the 3 day rule... and I'm not playing those games.

Now I know ya'll have all had a bad date (or if you're like me - several bad dates) but there is no excuse or even logical explanation for this. It's unrealistic to get upset when things are ambivalent at the end of the date. If you get the one-armed hug instead of a kiss, you might expect a blow off. Or if things didn't go well. If I'd gotten plastered, or moaned about all my exes, or scarier yet... had our kids named by the end of the 1st date- those would at least be valid reasons. But that's not what happened. He asked ME out... presumably because he liked me at least a little. We spent a few hours having fun and flirting.. And when we walked out to our cars -it was HIM that came in for the real kiss (not just the peck on the cheek I offered). For a guy who ranked honesty as one of his top personality traits, and proceeded to be brutally honest in the time that I knew him - I'm flabberghasted.

And pissed off. If things aren't going well - don't kiss me. If you're not feeling it - man up and say that. Guys love to gripe about girls playing games and stringing guys along but from my recent expiriences... it's the guys that are playing all the games. This girl's not into playing the games... and it sucks to meet a guy that pretends like he doesnt either. Be who you are and stay true to that.

So I'll write about southern men in another post, when I have something good to say about them. Maybe in the mean time, I'll find one who still has some cojones.

till next time - here's to hoping your dates aren't yellow-bellied, castrated cowards like mine.

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man." [Erica Jong]

i'm happiest when i'm sleeping

I was a big fan of grey’s anatomy from the get-go, before it became the monstrosity it currently is. The quotable lines and “sage advice” was what endeared the show to its' viewers. One of my favorites went something along the lines of “Sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes... learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

Now I love the concept of trying again after failure – there are tons of quotes, advice and engraved tablets on the subject. “Gotta get back on the horse”, “turn the other cheek”, & “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts" [Churchill] are just a few of the millions that probably exist. But I’ve found – as have probably many of you – that the concept is much easier in theory than in practice.

Sometimes you’ve just been burned too many times in relationships to even try “getting back on the horse”. I mean – if you think about – almost every person you ever date will lie at some point. My favorite is the “I’ll love you forever”. Since the majority of your relationships do not and will not last forever, or even a significant percentage of your life – there is little chance that will ever become true. Now many will call me a cynic – a term I do not deny (although I prefer “realist”). But the truth is that most, if not all, of your exes will go on to love again. And while a few may continue to care about you and your happiness after the relationship has dissolved (something I have YET to experience), most will go out of their way to avoid seeing or speaking to you again – much less still loving you. As a believer in true love and hopeful to find it again in this decade, I simply wish people would use more discretion in saying words like that. If those words were used with more caution and greater awareness, perhaps everyone would come out less jaded. And yes, I do want someone to tell me those words again… but I’d rather it not be anyone else than who I marry. Because that’s the only one in my life who has a chance of not making it into another little white relationship lie.

Back to old Ben’s sage advice – there are times in life where when being blissfully unaware IS better than knowing, when trying again is just TOO damn scary, and sleeping IS better than waking. When you’re sleeping, you don’t lose people you love, beloved pets aren’t missing, there are no financial worries, or cancer scares. And I think it’s okay to have those times in your life. Sometimes you need to just shut out the world, grieve, heal, meditate – whatever. But the best time is the in-between of sleeping and waking. In that half state of consciousness/nirvana – there exists the easiness of dream world and the wonderful possibilities that lie waiting in the real world.

till next time… "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up." [Woody Allen] – so try not to sleep through too much of it.