hooptie clinched the deal

so 74 minutes into a 110 minute conversation (our 1st conversation, mind you)

he said "hooptie". and I cant stop smiling :-D

princess diaries

don't you wish your love life worked like "my fair lady"
--- the guy that plays hard to get, eventually comes around and pursues her.

i know the ones that leave you aren't the ones that love you (or will love and leave you) but it doesn't seem fair sometimes.

the best kisses,
inside jokes,
similar upbringings
and goals for life....

and yet somehow he still doesnt call


WHY CANT HE JUST CALL ALREADY!?!?!

love you long time

been so long. too long. too many thoughts, too many emotions. too many hurts. sometimes its just all too much.
Sometimes when you look back at all the endings, you have to hope when you're with the one that doesn't end - that you can laugh about all the ones that weren't.
right now it just seems like a giant train wreck.
my panic attacks make traveling impossible. so tired of treadmills without results. so wanting to feel loved by someone other than the friends and family that have to. so lonely, and yet so unsure of capacity to be a "couple" again.
do i have what it takes to give unselfishly, to not whiny or belittle, to curb my OCD tendencies for the good of another. i dont have the answers to those questions.
and i dont really know that i'm looking for them
I guess I'm just hoping that if its not to be, God slaps me upside the head with it and makes it painfully obvious
until then, continued secret hope, yoyo btwn happy and single --to-- alone and despair.

Lord I hope its just hormones that make me this out of whack...

if you've got the money, honey - i've got the time.

sweet Jesus I own a LOT of crap!!!
 i should have paid someone to pack and move all of my stuff. goodness gracious - you'd think after 3x of moving in college, plus 2 apt moves - that I would be a minimalist!

drinking and packing was a GREAT idea (i reserve the right to disagree tomorrow)
however, tequila was a BAD choice.

damn dry spell

4months
4 months and counting.... since my last KISS!
so that makes it__________ since....

major dry spell.

and funny thing is, I really just want to make out.
to cuddle, snuggle, kiss, feel that warm tingly feeling....
to be that close with someone again.


and ya know, when you find yourself wishing the hog farmer calls you...
you know you need to be wary of making some downright damn bad decisions!

hog farmer hit on

i got hit on by a hog farmer!
in a bar!
on a Monday night!

and thanks to Johnny Walker, he now has my number

that is all...

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"`

so the thing about emotional baggage is not that its not a sudden windfall or inheritances. it doesn't happen that you suddenly depart the plane and BAM! there its all right there waiting for you at baggage claim.
you pick it up in bits and pieces. as you leave each relationship, you leave with another piece of baggage. maybe you get a backpack from the 4 month relationship, or a duffel bag worth from that 2 year "commitment".
either way, the bags just seem to pile up around you. slowly building this defensive wall...
the scary part about liking someone THAT much is when you move away the baggage, when you let go of the handles of all of those pieces of insecurity, of focusing on his flaws, of doubting the sustainability. when you let go of all of that, you make the first step and then you take that leap over this wall of emotional baggage.

then. the hard part comes. will he accept you...? knowing that at any time, you could reach back and latch on to any of these emotional issues. or will something else come between you and you get burned once again. retreating back behind that wall, and taking with you a new piece of baggage to add to your luggage collection....
once again doubting your personality, your attractiveness, beauty, intelligence - even personal worth. why cant he just love me back? what about me is so unlovable, so unworthy of a commitment... or even the chance?

and before you know it. you're back where you started. scared of taking that leap. of hurdling the pile of baggage. hiding behind past failures and projecting the mistakes of all the past guys onto the new guy before he has a chance to leave the gate....

so the question continues to be.... is he worth the risk of leaving behind the safety of the wall of emotional baggage? to try once again...

you say it best....when you say nothing at all...

so the fact that i never even blogged about the boy by name should prove how little i valued that relationship. the more i think it over, the more i think that in the end, i was more in love with the IDEA of us, than i was with him, and us being together.
and that's just not fair to anyone involved.

and a nanosecond later, my heart is bruised yet again.

so... not 2 weeks later and i got the "lets just be friends" speech.
seriuosly - is it me people? is it something that i say? or act?
because i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that its just not the right one. i dont believe in just one "soulmate"... and a couple of these guys could have really made me happy.

and because this one TRULY had potential. and i havent felt that about someone in a LONGGGG time.
same Southern background, same family, same dream of living small-town, same religious beliefs, polar opposite "attention" needs (fine by me - I hate being in the spotlight).
and now not even the chance. and that's what makes me pissed off/cry. i dont even have the chance to see how good (or bad) it could be. because he's scared. or unsure. or too young. or all of the above.

im lonely. and scared. and mad because someone else had the control.
and im going to die alone....


baaggghhhhhhhh

"so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say... "

"I find sometimes it's easy to be myself
sometimes I find it's better to be somebody else

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say
'Cos here we have been standing for a long long time
can't see the light
treading trodden trails for a long long time.........." DMB

sooooo much has happened. and i've been such a bad blogger (and friend to myself) for falling so far behind. if i could shake my finger at myself like my grammy used to, i would ;-)

anywho. short story. 5 month relationship flopped. made out w/ a friend. started to date a different friend. make-out friend no longer speaking to me - not really sure why. fell really hard and fast for 2nd "dating" friend (holding back feelings for 2 years makes that pretty easy). now he's not sure exclusive relationship is "best for both of us", and i am building the walls back up.
on the upside - 1 semester of grad classes down. only 6 bigillion left.

back-dating posts will occur as time permits...

side note - WAYY freakin excited about tequila Thursday this week :-D

patience is a virtue....that i dont possess

i want now, not later
i want more, not less
i want priority, not down the list
i want f-ing fantastic, not just good
i want forever, not maybe

boo-boos, boobies and band-aids dont mix...

so had a boo boo on my left boob.
thought - no problem! i'll just slap on some Neosporin and a band-aid. fix that up fast.

24 hrs later....i ripped off the small circular band-aid. and SCREAMED in pain! and now i have a round circle of skin missing from my left boob.
what started as a small boo-boo has turned into a rather large circle of raw skin.

awesome.

lesson learned - band-aids and boobies don't mix!

ATTN Hallmark - you need new writers!

greeting cards are pure crap. they're cliche, expensive ($5 for a card!?!? that doesnt even sing!!!), and the "greetings" inside are completely out-of-touch with modern colloquialisms.

so i'm making some suggestions for new Hallmark cards:

"congratulations on the baby you weren't really "expecting". now as soon as you find out the gender, and who the father is - you'll be set on the path to being a successful mommy."

"congratulations. you have managed to pass a globally sub-par course of education to graduate with a high school diploma. you're now ready to embark upon the world with a set of minimal skills that only make you employable in food service, Wal-Mart, or call centers. you have made a real accomplishment & are now truly successful. here's $20 - happy graduation day."

"you managed to procreate AND stay married for a whole year without murdering each other or anyone else. in that order. congrats and happy anniversary"

"i have no balls to portray my actual Christmas sentiments or other religous beliefs during this time of the year. So i've opted to go with a generic, politically-correct cop-out card that is supposedly designed by a kid with cancer but really was the winning entry for the State Prison's holiday card decoration contest in 1989. Happy Holidays to my fellow apathetic cowards"

"You're my dead-beat dad who has so far only contributed inferior genes, and will only contribute to me becoming another emotional fcuktard in the near future. thanks and Happy Fathers Day. oh, and try paying some child support once in a while"

"i want to sleep with you but cant bother to care enough to actually say the words "i love you" or commit to you in any true fashion . So i bought you a wilted bouquet of 5 roses, last year's left-over box of crappy chocolates and this $8 card on the hope that you'll pity my emotional hang-ups enough to sleep with me. that or get wasted on cheap pink Andre that you dont notice if I last an impressive 1.73 minutes. Happy Valentine's Day"

happy anniversary

Happy 1 year anniversary to me and my blog!
there were times when I doubted we'd make it.... i mean, i can't even keep houseplans alive for a whole year.

in calm personal introspective reflection, me and the ole blog have had some memories.

• when re-reading ripped open scabbed-over wounds and made me bawl.
• when i stayed up in the wee hours, furiously blasting another poor human cursed with XY chromosomes.
• when i smiled over how much i've learned. and grown
• when i chuckled (under my breath) at my own witty remarks. c'mon. you know its true ;-)

so here's to another year. to hoping it's more productive, that i get more action, and lessons learned are less painful.

modern society's IQ

so I randomly got to thinking about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome whilst (fun word, I know) I was tanning today.

side note: I refuse to defend my tanning. winter is depressing because it's dark before I get home from work - and I should probably get a sun-lamp like Sarah Palin does because she lives in the ass-crack of the arctic. But I dont have a UV lamp. And I only tan twice a month. so stick that in your pipe and smoke it

my ponderings ran along the logic of: society unawareness of the effects of alcohol on fetuses, combined with expensive/widely unavailable home-pregnancy tests (which would indicate that most women found out expecting much later in the pregnancy) - and if modern medicine is correct about alcohol's negative effect on fetuses' adult IQ - there would have been a much higher occurance of lower IQ adults in society at that time due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Which if that were true, would prove that over time, human society overall has become smarter.

Because once the discovery of the cause-effect relationship of inebrieting alcohol whilst pregnant, majority of women would decrease (or preferably cease) to consume. Combine that affect with discovering pregancy closer to conception that ever before (which decreases unknowing consumption) = lowered occurance of FAS-affected babies being born.

and then my friend pointed out that, alcohol has a lot to do with a lot of babies being conceived in the 1st place. And that for this scenario to work, people would actually have to use their brains.

and further realization that Paris "thats hot" Hilton and Kim Kardigashigan are still on TV and helping PPL and other skeezy tabloid rags to sell... that people have actually like being stupid. It eases the difficulty and complexity of life.

oh, and men are still emotional fcuk-tards :-) have a great weekend

We the People find these truths to be self-evident

in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness (thank you founding fathers) - which for single gals usually consists of the crapshoot known as dating - one is inevitably confronted with the existential question of "is there just ONE right person meant for you?"

if "YES" - how do you know who he is? have you already met him? what if you accidentally dumped the ONE person you are supposed to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH!?!?!

once upon a time, I believed there was only one person for each of us. after the debalacle of 2002, i'm jaded enough to know better.

so, for the more logical (fingers crossed) answer of "NO" -
how do you know which person is the right person for this time in your life?
at what point, does that person cease to exist to be the "right" person for your current situation?
and how do you know when it is the right person for the rest of your life... not just another learning curve?
does someone who you care for and love but maybe not as passionately/iNsAnElY as the 3yr disaster mean that they're not the right perosn for you?
and when do you KNOW that he's the one for you? the point where you're sure that you and this person should be together. that it will all be okay. that ya'll will stick together, for better and for worse. that you'll make it work. that you'll be happy together.

and at what point do any of these questions get answered....


i wish i knew