ATTN Hallmark - you need new writers!

greeting cards are pure crap. they're cliche, expensive ($5 for a card!?!? that doesnt even sing!!!), and the "greetings" inside are completely out-of-touch with modern colloquialisms.

so i'm making some suggestions for new Hallmark cards:

"congratulations on the baby you weren't really "expecting". now as soon as you find out the gender, and who the father is - you'll be set on the path to being a successful mommy."

"congratulations. you have managed to pass a globally sub-par course of education to graduate with a high school diploma. you're now ready to embark upon the world with a set of minimal skills that only make you employable in food service, Wal-Mart, or call centers. you have made a real accomplishment & are now truly successful. here's $20 - happy graduation day."

"you managed to procreate AND stay married for a whole year without murdering each other or anyone else. in that order. congrats and happy anniversary"

"i have no balls to portray my actual Christmas sentiments or other religous beliefs during this time of the year. So i've opted to go with a generic, politically-correct cop-out card that is supposedly designed by a kid with cancer but really was the winning entry for the State Prison's holiday card decoration contest in 1989. Happy Holidays to my fellow apathetic cowards"

"You're my dead-beat dad who has so far only contributed inferior genes, and will only contribute to me becoming another emotional fcuktard in the near future. thanks and Happy Fathers Day. oh, and try paying some child support once in a while"

"i want to sleep with you but cant bother to care enough to actually say the words "i love you" or commit to you in any true fashion . So i bought you a wilted bouquet of 5 roses, last year's left-over box of crappy chocolates and this $8 card on the hope that you'll pity my emotional hang-ups enough to sleep with me. that or get wasted on cheap pink Andre that you dont notice if I last an impressive 1.73 minutes. Happy Valentine's Day"