if you've got the money, honey - i've got the time.

sweet Jesus I own a LOT of crap!!!
 i should have paid someone to pack and move all of my stuff. goodness gracious - you'd think after 3x of moving in college, plus 2 apt moves - that I would be a minimalist!

drinking and packing was a GREAT idea (i reserve the right to disagree tomorrow)
however, tequila was a BAD choice.

damn dry spell

4months
4 months and counting.... since my last KISS!
so that makes it__________ since....

major dry spell.

and funny thing is, I really just want to make out.
to cuddle, snuggle, kiss, feel that warm tingly feeling....
to be that close with someone again.


and ya know, when you find yourself wishing the hog farmer calls you...
you know you need to be wary of making some downright damn bad decisions!

hog farmer hit on

i got hit on by a hog farmer!
in a bar!
on a Monday night!

and thanks to Johnny Walker, he now has my number

that is all...

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"`

so the thing about emotional baggage is not that its not a sudden windfall or inheritances. it doesn't happen that you suddenly depart the plane and BAM! there its all right there waiting for you at baggage claim.
you pick it up in bits and pieces. as you leave each relationship, you leave with another piece of baggage. maybe you get a backpack from the 4 month relationship, or a duffel bag worth from that 2 year "commitment".
either way, the bags just seem to pile up around you. slowly building this defensive wall...
the scary part about liking someone THAT much is when you move away the baggage, when you let go of the handles of all of those pieces of insecurity, of focusing on his flaws, of doubting the sustainability. when you let go of all of that, you make the first step and then you take that leap over this wall of emotional baggage.

then. the hard part comes. will he accept you...? knowing that at any time, you could reach back and latch on to any of these emotional issues. or will something else come between you and you get burned once again. retreating back behind that wall, and taking with you a new piece of baggage to add to your luggage collection....
once again doubting your personality, your attractiveness, beauty, intelligence - even personal worth. why cant he just love me back? what about me is so unlovable, so unworthy of a commitment... or even the chance?

and before you know it. you're back where you started. scared of taking that leap. of hurdling the pile of baggage. hiding behind past failures and projecting the mistakes of all the past guys onto the new guy before he has a chance to leave the gate....

so the question continues to be.... is he worth the risk of leaving behind the safety of the wall of emotional baggage? to try once again...

you say it best....when you say nothing at all...

so the fact that i never even blogged about the boy by name should prove how little i valued that relationship. the more i think it over, the more i think that in the end, i was more in love with the IDEA of us, than i was with him, and us being together.
and that's just not fair to anyone involved.

and a nanosecond later, my heart is bruised yet again.

so... not 2 weeks later and i got the "lets just be friends" speech.
seriuosly - is it me people? is it something that i say? or act?
because i'm finding it harder and harder to believe that its just not the right one. i dont believe in just one "soulmate"... and a couple of these guys could have really made me happy.

and because this one TRULY had potential. and i havent felt that about someone in a LONGGGG time.
same Southern background, same family, same dream of living small-town, same religious beliefs, polar opposite "attention" needs (fine by me - I hate being in the spotlight).
and now not even the chance. and that's what makes me pissed off/cry. i dont even have the chance to see how good (or bad) it could be. because he's scared. or unsure. or too young. or all of the above.

im lonely. and scared. and mad because someone else had the control.
and im going to die alone....


baaggghhhhhhhh