ATTN Hallmark - you need new writers!

greeting cards are pure crap. they're cliche, expensive ($5 for a card!?!? that doesnt even sing!!!), and the "greetings" inside are completely out-of-touch with modern colloquialisms.

so i'm making some suggestions for new Hallmark cards:

"congratulations on the baby you weren't really "expecting". now as soon as you find out the gender, and who the father is - you'll be set on the path to being a successful mommy."

"congratulations. you have managed to pass a globally sub-par course of education to graduate with a high school diploma. you're now ready to embark upon the world with a set of minimal skills that only make you employable in food service, Wal-Mart, or call centers. you have made a real accomplishment & are now truly successful. here's $20 - happy graduation day."

"you managed to procreate AND stay married for a whole year without murdering each other or anyone else. in that order. congrats and happy anniversary"

"i have no balls to portray my actual Christmas sentiments or other religous beliefs during this time of the year. So i've opted to go with a generic, politically-correct cop-out card that is supposedly designed by a kid with cancer but really was the winning entry for the State Prison's holiday card decoration contest in 1989. Happy Holidays to my fellow apathetic cowards"

"You're my dead-beat dad who has so far only contributed inferior genes, and will only contribute to me becoming another emotional fcuktard in the near future. thanks and Happy Fathers Day. oh, and try paying some child support once in a while"

"i want to sleep with you but cant bother to care enough to actually say the words "i love you" or commit to you in any true fashion . So i bought you a wilted bouquet of 5 roses, last year's left-over box of crappy chocolates and this $8 card on the hope that you'll pity my emotional hang-ups enough to sleep with me. that or get wasted on cheap pink Andre that you dont notice if I last an impressive 1.73 minutes. Happy Valentine's Day"

happy anniversary

Happy 1 year anniversary to me and my blog!
there were times when I doubted we'd make it.... i mean, i can't even keep houseplans alive for a whole year.

in calm personal introspective reflection, me and the ole blog have had some memories.

• when re-reading ripped open scabbed-over wounds and made me bawl.
• when i stayed up in the wee hours, furiously blasting another poor human cursed with XY chromosomes.
• when i smiled over how much i've learned. and grown
• when i chuckled (under my breath) at my own witty remarks. c'mon. you know its true ;-)

so here's to another year. to hoping it's more productive, that i get more action, and lessons learned are less painful.

modern society's IQ

so I randomly got to thinking about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome whilst (fun word, I know) I was tanning today.

side note: I refuse to defend my tanning. winter is depressing because it's dark before I get home from work - and I should probably get a sun-lamp like Sarah Palin does because she lives in the ass-crack of the arctic. But I dont have a UV lamp. And I only tan twice a month. so stick that in your pipe and smoke it

my ponderings ran along the logic of: society unawareness of the effects of alcohol on fetuses, combined with expensive/widely unavailable home-pregnancy tests (which would indicate that most women found out expecting much later in the pregnancy) - and if modern medicine is correct about alcohol's negative effect on fetuses' adult IQ - there would have been a much higher occurance of lower IQ adults in society at that time due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

Which if that were true, would prove that over time, human society overall has become smarter.

Because once the discovery of the cause-effect relationship of inebrieting alcohol whilst pregnant, majority of women would decrease (or preferably cease) to consume. Combine that affect with discovering pregancy closer to conception that ever before (which decreases unknowing consumption) = lowered occurance of FAS-affected babies being born.

and then my friend pointed out that, alcohol has a lot to do with a lot of babies being conceived in the 1st place. And that for this scenario to work, people would actually have to use their brains.

and further realization that Paris "thats hot" Hilton and Kim Kardigashigan are still on TV and helping PPL and other skeezy tabloid rags to sell... that people have actually like being stupid. It eases the difficulty and complexity of life.

oh, and men are still emotional fcuk-tards :-) have a great weekend

We the People find these truths to be self-evident

in the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness (thank you founding fathers) - which for single gals usually consists of the crapshoot known as dating - one is inevitably confronted with the existential question of "is there just ONE right person meant for you?"

if "YES" - how do you know who he is? have you already met him? what if you accidentally dumped the ONE person you are supposed to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH!?!?!

once upon a time, I believed there was only one person for each of us. after the debalacle of 2002, i'm jaded enough to know better.

so, for the more logical (fingers crossed) answer of "NO" -
how do you know which person is the right person for this time in your life?
at what point, does that person cease to exist to be the "right" person for your current situation?
and how do you know when it is the right person for the rest of your life... not just another learning curve?
does someone who you care for and love but maybe not as passionately/iNsAnElY as the 3yr disaster mean that they're not the right perosn for you?
and when do you KNOW that he's the one for you? the point where you're sure that you and this person should be together. that it will all be okay. that ya'll will stick together, for better and for worse. that you'll make it work. that you'll be happy together.

and at what point do any of these questions get answered....


i wish i knew