and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...
it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.
everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".
so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.
after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.
so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.
when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.
and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]
and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...
in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.
my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."
as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....
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