power hour

the singles scene sucks. bar, gym, church, coffeehouse - all of them
i dont care what city, state, country or continent you live on - meeting an available, normal, single man with no fetishes, criminal history, or relationship hang-ups is quite the impossible feat!

Coffeehouses:

So coffeehouses - where the mature, intellectual people gather to read, study and generally broaden their minds and perspectives. One would assume you could meet someone intelligent who has a mutual addiction to coffee.

not so

you either meet goofy nerds who are busy playing WOW on their laptops, giggling like schoolgirl
or
you have the "i'm too good for my Armani" snobs who barely meet your glance over their $3000 MacBook Air.

Church:

the quint-essential "meat-market".
its somewhere i'm going to be regardless because that where God calls me to fellowship with like-minded believers.
But the "singles-group" that exists in these is a smoke-screen for a meat-market (no news flash to any of us dating since high school).

however, dont hold your breath hoping to meet someone of similar faith

the only types are the "holier-than-thou"s who act like having a margarita is the downfall of Christianity,
or
(look away if easily offended)
the ugly people who are hoping that "good" people will like them and overlook why they've so far been unable to convince someone to someday procreate with them...
or
the "bad" boys who come to church looking for the "good" girls, who, you know - are secretly bad in disguise. 'that's hot'
AARRRGGGHHHH!

Gym:

i joined the gym b/c
(a) I needed weights to do strength training, which running can't provide allow
(b) i cant run when it rains
(c) i wanted to meet other people who understand the importance of working out to your health and keep physically fit.
(d) whomever i date, its important that he takes care of himself, and working out is a great way to spend quality time together

But it's also impossible to meet someone at the gym. the guys are either
-gay
-think they're God's gift to women (you can tell by the 'strut' they do around the gym)
or
-meatheads
all the cute ones are ph-so-obliviously plugged into their i-pods...
seriously - do you never need a water break?!?!

Bar

the bar scene is bar-none (pun intended) the worst!

I'm all about an occasional drink but you only meet one of two types in a bar:

(1) the alcoholic who's there 5 nights outta the week. This one knows all the daily specials, drinks 'chuggers' of cheap beer... until every girl in the bar is attractive. Constantly trying to get a piece and relieves the "good ole days" with all the other losers

(2) the type who are socially awkward/super intelligent/desperate... who dress up, spend lots of money on buying girls drinks....hoping to get one girl drunk enough where their desperation shrinks, and the nerd/freak/weirdo become attractive to her.

so to anyone who has any better suggestion of where singles mingle, or knows where the normal single guys are hiding - I'm all ears

shape me, mold me and make me

“Life doesn’t give you the people you want.
It gives you the people you need.

To help you,
to hurt you,
to love you,

and to make you the person you were meant to be.”

onlinedatingscaresme.com

so when my mother starts calls my dog her "granddog",
asks you if you've considered freezing your eggs ...
(i couldnt make this shit up if i wanted to)
and then tells you about the secretary's cousin's son who met his Russian wife online,
you kinda know what station her train of thought is about to chug into....

ONLINE dating

while you appreciate her once again "caring" intrusion into your social life (or lack there of) the thought of legitimately trying online dating is both intriguing and terrifying.

intruiguing in that you can already filter out the ones
(A) you're not attracted to
(B) share no life goals with
(C) belongs to some obscure/cult religion that you could never possibly consider joining or exposing your future children to,
or
(D) out of your age range.
(including blue pill-popping sugar daddies and/or cougar-seeking college boys)

terrifying that
(A) you would actually have to put your photo online with a contact method
(B) if (and that's a big IF) you meet someone who can manage to keep a conversation going with you, that you'll have to meet this stranger in public for a potential belly-flop date. in which case you have to start the process all over
(C) a really not cool way of telling your grandkids of how ya'll met and
(D) have to shell out money to get the work of filtering out the freaks

although you do have to wonder....
in this day and age where technology changes every aspect of how we live life, ( internet, cell phones, caller-ID, GPS, etc)
why is it so hard for us to embrace that technology has changed dating?

it's already changed life where its harder/less common to meet people face-to-face rather than teleconferences, IM/FB chat, or web mtgs...

how can we not expect it to change how we do meet potential matches?

if tech can take away human contact,
it sure as hell owes us some sort of benefit in return

(aka: slide-show preview of our future alimony payers)
;-)

people

“People are going to want you.
need you, exceed you, take you.
love you, hate you, play you,
rate you, save you and break you.
But that’s what makes you.”

the secret to my success...

what is the secret to s-u-c-c-e-s-s in life?

most would say "following what you believe/love"
i'm motivated to pursue my passions. right now its my career. one day it might be a family. i dont know. life has no guarantees, so i only know that i will whole-heartedly pursue my heart's deepest desire - whatever that might be.

no one sets out to be mediocre, but sometimes it happens. sometimes life happens.... gets in the way
but only if you let it...

more importantly, you're only mediocre if you allow someone else to define what success means to you

only being a housewife would not be my personal definition of success currently.
but if it IS Suzy Q's definition of success and she's the best damn housewife she can be...
then she should be considered a success.
regardless of our own personal ambitions or pre-conceived expectations of "success"

its mind-boggling how fiercly independent most of us believe we are..... and yet we let ourselves be judged by standards or definitions that others set.
society, parents, church members, friends, co-workers, personal trainers, el hefe, etc.

i dont know that i'll ever really understand all different takes on being a successful female in modern times simply because i'll never be right there. its not the path my life is on right now.
but i can appreciate that there are different walks of life.

and in life, it takes all kinds

"aye aye captain" - the sequel

so a random drunken text has led to the revival of our old friend - the Lt.
due to distance, we had had some pretty amazing (as much as possible) late night phone "talks"; however, as previously posted, after our dates, i got the "its not you, its me" speech.
so i was mildly shocked the other night when my slightly-alcohol-numbed self texted ' i miss our "talks" ', and i ACTUALLY got a phone call the next minute.
which led to some re-hashing of the "i cant date right now" speech... which he re-phrased into "we can date, if we take it slow" (his words, not mine folks), i was intruiged enough by our intellectual/sense of humor connection that i still missed (1st mental/humor connection with a single guy since B) to humor him with a late night "talk" (largely exaggerated {aka faked} in my inebrieated state)
apparently that re-opened the whole can of worms as i got yet another call the next day. for antoher late night "talk". which was abruptly ended when he "realized how LATE it was". how rude.
which leads my still-bruised ego to ponder if he's geniunely interested in me, or if he wants to put up just enough of a farce to make me think we're dating (and thus move to 3rd base), or if he's just using me because he lives where its 80%+ male and most of the females are butch or "ladies of the night"....
i dont want to let my jaded heart miss out on something that COULD be really fantastic. but i also dont want to get strung along until he gets his.
my heart doesnt need to be sent through the meat processor again so soon.

"to infiniti... and BEYOND"

the suave businessman races up the fire escape stairs...
the music swells...
the modern-day Rapunzel tosses her fiery auburn hair and dazzles with her brilliant HUGE smile...
her white knight has come to save her.... and so she turns around and saves him right back
all of the anticipation, thrills, disappointments have led to THIS moment. the climax is here
and the kiss is pure magic.
"i love you...", " i love you too"
the camera pans out. credits roll. happily ever after

three little words.
so small.........yet so powerful
they change your feelings, stir your desires, make you hope, stretch your dreams.
they change your life
(no, not in an instant - welcome to real life)

and with these 3 words, the couple goes on to live happily ever after. forever and ever.
"for the rest of all time"

never does this "i love you" lead you to believe that this couple will only be together until he loses his job and she leaves him for the pool boy.
nor do you believe that their love cannot withstand a second mortgage while dealing with his parents' failing health, a college-bound daughter headed out of state, and their son's alcohol rehab program.

in fact, nothing about those 3 little words leads you to believe that it will NOT be forever!
and for those of us who have experienced love - i dont think anyone says those words believing that "their love" is a temporary affliction. one that will eventually fail and break their heart

c'mon people - if you knew for certain your heart would get shredded, that the relationship would end and you would be stuck with the memories, regrets, .... reminders of it all. no one would even attempt to connect with that other person, much less chance falling in love. we'd all just screw like bunnies.

skeptics may say that my Hollywood rose-glasses are the reason behind my unrealistic expectation of love. i say its not so
and as proof for society's court, i bring my grandparents - 50+ years strong and counting. my parents - 30 years of married bliss. my aunt and uncle - 40+ years, my granny and my pops (RIP) had almost 50 years of holy matrimony.
so dont tell me its the Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts movies that set my bar for love so high.
Hollywood may have skewed my expecations of the "perfect date" but i have living proof that "i love you" can mean forever. that it does mean commitment and loyalty. and that I shouldn't have to settle for it meaning any less

the cold hard truth

as hard as it is to even acknowledge the thoughts, much less, see them typed on my screen through tear-blurried eyes, i'm hoping that laying my bruised scarred heart out in the open will be theraputic. because I HAVE to move on. I want to love again.


and because i need to tell my side of the story, even though he'll never read this...


it hurt when he never called. it stung when he disregareded all thoughts that i should know it was a BREAK-UP, not just a break. what's 3 years together? throw that out the window.
i learned the hard way that -" i love you" - doesnt always mean forever.
it about killed me having to tell my heart that it was over, he wasnt coming back. and yet, a piece of me held on.


everyone told me to move-on. i was better off without him. look at how he was treating me with so little regard to my feelings, my heart, my LIFE.
but you cant tell your heart how to feel, OR how to heal. and you sure as hell can't give it an ultimatum or deadline on "getting over him".


so as the months passed, i told myself it was time enough. i numbly stumbled through the 1st 6 months of disbelief, of hoping and believing he would come back. i survived the next 6 months where i struggled with pain, anger, disbelief, rage, abandonment, jadedness.


after moving cities and changing jobs, i forced myself to date someone. someone i wasnt sure i had feelings for but who i knew had feelings for me. after all, everyone said it had been long enough. for goodness sakes, it was over a year.
it was long enough for everyone except my heart. who was still struggling to reconcil being in love with someone who either never really loved you to begin with OR (possibly worse) fell out of love with you.


so i forced myself into recirpocating those 3 magical words " i love you" to someone i had no plausible future with. and in the process, irrepriably damaged a friendship.


when i finally realized he was through with "us" (which would have been a much faster conclusion had he just TOLD me it was over), i feared i would never feel that way with someone again. i felt like i would never have that intimate mental connection with someone who GOT me. who understood my thought process, got my jokes, didnt get offended with my sarcasm, shared my love for witty banter. to add insult to injury, i couldnt even find anyone to date that i was attracted to.



and it ripped at my patched-up heart when statuses started changing. 1st a relationship, then engaged, then married - all in less than 3 months. which is how i knew something was up. turns out via a msg, that he knocked up the 1st girl he dated after me (although he managed to keep it in his pants for the entire time we were together ). but he "loves" her and all.
[which is odd that he bothered telling me that b/c i'm not the one who needs the convincing.]

and with that, the book of B & me closed forever. i'm not a home-wrecker and i will never willingly be "the other woman".
the piece i was holding on to was ripped from my hand...


in forcing myself to "move-on" i've made my share of mistakes- kisses with commitment-phobes, dates with crushes i had no intention of reciprocating. i seemed intent on seeking revenge on love for all i felt it had inflicted upon me. and trust me, if i could have found a way of inflicting it upon him, i would have. (couldnt think up anything NOT involving criminal mischief charges-and believe me. i wanted to let my daddy shoot him :-)
not only that... but for being the one perosn who i shared my most intimate thoughts, my greatests fears and my biggest hopes - the running joke that i was "too much to handle" became an all-too-true reality. and i am petrified that this still stands true for any guy that i date.



my best friend helped me the most when she said: "honey, you're not too much. you are a great adventure for some guy to share his life with. B got scared and took the easy way out. and some part of him will always have a twinge of regret and wonder 'what if"...
He settled for a watered down version of you...."



as for present-day, i'm still looking for "great love" & i'm not taking any short-cuts or easy ways out
to paraphrase an otherwise crappy movie - "there are 3 loves - love, big love and great love. love you get over in 2 months, big love takes 2 years. great love - you never get over."
i've had a "big" love that i mistook for great love. so my greatest hope is that something even greater has yet to come along....

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” (Marilyn Monroe)

Morse Code: beep beep beep... beep beep. beep beep beep.

To all the single women -

"You don't like to get hit on in public, you don't want to date online and you don't want to be set up on blind dates. Tell us if sending messenger pigeons is an appropriate way of courting you. Because if it is, we're all over that shit. Thanks"

- all single men-

case of the crazies

Anyone ever watched the hilarious quirky comedy Scrubs? If so you know Elliot – the girl that the adorable Zach Braff character is in (and out of) love with.

That girl has ISSUES. You name it – she’s obsessing over it, paranoid about it, or inappropriately sharing about it (often with complete strangers).
Now I can't say that I “relate” to everything that she goes through (or puts herself through)…but there’s a lot about women that men can take from this girl, while not gagging through Dr Phil or Oprah
[*side note* “Girls Next Door” does not count as a window into the thoughts of “real women”]

Point-in-case: Elliot’s an independent woman – making her own moola, while kicking ass (sometimes her own) and taking names. When, I ask you, does she turn into an emotional, clinging wet blanket …. when she falls IN LOVE!!!

There is something about falling in love, trusting someone that makes you vulnerable in ways you never dreamed possible. I’m talking about love, people, not sex. We all know sex makes you vulnerable – someone see you naked (if you’re doing it right)… and everyone has body issues. There’s technique to worry about, orgasms, staying afterwards, morning breath, and awkward goodbyes.
Love, however, entails feeling SO MUCH about this person that its almost sensory over-load…and believing that they love you back just as much. Love is so much that I can’t even get into it or even explain it in words because I would lose any hope of a focused train of thought (if I haven’t already). You know what love is… most of you have experienced it. If not, hope to God that you do find it at least once in your life… it’s horrible / wonderful / miserable / exhilarating all at once… and there is absolutely nothing like it in the entire world.
(keep in mind that this is coming from a woman jaded by a broken several year-long relationship… and I’m STILL saying this)

Elliot falls in love with Rick Schroeder who’s character’s name I cant remember (something Flowers). In her quest to make, keep, and maintain this relationship, she hides her “quirks”. Random inappropriate stupid thoughts/actions that are part of who she is. The point is that she hides it from him until she just can’t - and then it starts spilling over on people throughout the hospital.

Now the truth in that is that every woman at some point in some relationship has hidden part of who she is. Who hasn’t felt like you need to hide those “crazy” parts of you so that he can get to know because you just KNOW that if he gets to REALLY know you – those crazies won’t matter. Whether its alphabetizing your DVDs, arranging your closet by colors, wearing underwear with days of the week on it, or obsessively checking under the bed every night – there’s a “crazy” part in each of us.
I personally have been to both extremes while in love. 1st serious boyfriend – I was miss independent until I fell head over heels for him. As I envisioned our life together and matching monogrammed towels, things began to unravel. After one particularly impassioned argument, he informed me that my independence that he loved so much about me was gone and that my clingy, emotional-needy dependence on him was too much. Here I was believing that this guy was The One – how I loved being with him every day, talking to him every night, spending weekends and holidays together …only to be brutally faced with his version of me being “clingy”. Talk about harsh reality.
Zoom forward to rebound boyfriend – determined to keep my independence, I drove myself everywhere, refused to get attached to his family or spend any holidays with them. I spent weekends alone after assuring him how great it was that he go fishing with the guys, or to that concert. At this extreme, I was in a relationship and still felt alone. Worse yet – I was keeping those “crazies” of wanting to be with him and not telling him for fear of being “clingy”. Needless to say, when we broke up – he told me that he felt like I never let my guard down – and that I didn’t seem to want to be a part of his life and family.

hopefully my next turn on the relationship merry-go-round – I’ll manage to keep the balance. Fall in love, be with him, but keep my girlfriends so that I don’t become an emotional mess on the times we can’t be together – or to just enjoy time apart. I’m also not gonna keep all MY “crazies” in. If he can’t deal with my color-coded pantry organization system, he’s just not worth it. There’s a song playing on country radio called “crazy like you” by Josh Grider. It’s pretty much exactly how I feel about finding that guy -
"I say everybody's crazy so what you need to do You need to find somebody crazy like you Someone you can fuss and fight with And when you make up then you can love all night with Someone who shares your particular point of view Oh they're bound to be crazy, just make sure they're crazy like you"

if nothing else - as Samantha says - "the crazy ones get all the good pills" ;-)

pinch hitter

never make someone a priority when you're nothing more than an option to them.

lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat.

so its like i am swimming in the dating ocean, and i keep getting sucked into the same ole shitty riptide.

Lt gave me the whole " its not you, its me" speech. something about how his life is really confusing right now and he doenst want to drag me along when he doesnt know where he's gonna end up or if he's even in a place to be in a relationship right now.
okay i do acknowledge that his career has lately been totally twisted inside out and splattered against a wall, but the little voice in my head cant get the whole "he's just not that into you" line of thinking outta my head and that this is all a crock of shit. plus he got the standard "bj are for boyfriends" speech, and that rarely goes over well.

back to the proof: (1) why would you be dating if you didnt want to possibly be in a relationship. Dating LEADS to relationships (for most people, at least! men may still see it as the archaic equation of paying for dinner = putting out).
(2) the insecure voice in my head wonders if he jsut wasnt that attracted to me and somehow has reasoned that this is somehow an easier let down or less painful
(aka easier for the male, more confusing for the female)

WHY do i keep attracting losers, emotionally unavailable men or nymphomaniacs?!?! spare me the bullcrap of that i'm subconsciouly choosing these guys because i know that a relationship will never formate. for the first time in about 2 years, i actually feel ready to date. i like my life and i WANT someone to share it with. and i honestly thought I was doing a halfway good job of filtering out the freaks..... AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
i need to hire a matchmaker to do the dirty work for me and figure out all their neurosis BEFORE i date them!

meet Mister F

so... this guy (hence referred to as "F") has been tossed around in my mind for awhile now and i just cant get him out of my head.

we "met", interestingly enough, when i was bored, lonely, and had had enough wine to be brave - to make a myspace account. looked for anyone single (male or female) near my age (read: no old geezers or high school kids) that lived in this medium sized/socially-challenged town.
he accepted my friend request and actually sent me message ( just a standard "hey how's it going" ). we've talked on and off for a few months now. met for drinks. flirted a bit. and have had drinks a few times again since then. we have similar upbringings, have somewhat similar values, and both enjoy beer. plenty for a friendship.

so when we were out for drinks the other night, and he mentioned/ragged on this girl he dated a month ago (remember - thought he was single), i was thrown for a loop & didnt know what to say.
[side note: there are FEW times in this woman's life when she is speechless and cannot come up with a witty remark, or at the very least - a sharp sarcastic barb.]
what left me speechless was not that i didnt know about her. (we're just friends)

it was the reason why he abruptly brought her into the conversation
- is this to signal to me that he's now available?
- or is this because he's stuck for conversation, didnt want an awkward lull and grasped at a short straw...

as the legend goes, men are simple. so i know i'm over-analyzing what (and why) he said. but sometimes small miscommunications can lead to big losses. and i dont want to stumble over a subtle "signal" to put myself out there, or even just flirt more.
i need a male/female translation dictionary.
is Webster up for taking that on?

"aye aye captain"

so cute lieutenant and i have a date on the riverwalk. he's smart, witty, not psycho, no seemingly obvious flaws and looks like farve in the face (bonus pts).
hotel is booked (back up plan: friend's couch 30 mins away) and i'm letting myself get kinda psyched. still holding back for the inevitable letdown.
[side note: why cant i let myself believe that someone good is going to come along... and ACTUALLY be with me?!? hmm... could be the abandonment issues the 3yr ex abrubtly left me with...]
cant decide if i'm more excited about good mexican food and el mercado... or the lt

in other great (but expensive news) - bought a new (to me) car. that gets way better gas milage than the gray gremlin. :-)

karma

"I am not one to chase fate. In my opinion, karma will be a BIGGER bitch than I choose to be."

i so wish i could believe this. If i had unprotected sex, i'd probably end up with a venereal disease. she ended up with B (now- her hot hubby) and a baby. what gives?

i think god says "no" to me being happy...