I have no idea if blogging is right for me. it does seem doubtful as I havent in 8 months
Sometimes I feel that Facebook & Twitter are better outlets for me. its easier to send those 120 characters updates than to send/format an email
But I don't think I've ever felt this alone before.
and I really just need a really good long rant.
and posting short passive-aggressive status updates on mainstream social media websites just aint gonna cut it tonight
because frankly, at this moment, I am out of friends and boyfriend(s) to talk to.
and because no one reads this stupid thing anyways (which is perfectly fine by me)
I've lost my last 2 grandparents in the past 6 weeks, one on each of the final 2 holidays (Thanksgiving/Christmas) of 2011. To say that I had a numb, surreal, craptastic holiday season might be the understandment of 2011.
And 2012 is being thoroughly big damn disappointment thus far.
After being my date to a big family wedding, the latest beau and I have called it quits. He refuses to date/romance me (says he's not a lovey-dovey guy) and I refuse to spend the rest of my life begging for affection. So at an impasse we sat till a 2 hr long DTR* during the BCS championship game.
* "define the relationship" talk
Not sure which was more anti-climactic... the game or the DTR ;)
And as far as my 3 closest girl friends. I had an engaged friend, a friend dating, and a single friend.
The engaged is now married, the dating is shopping for rings, and the single has been swept off her feet by an incredibly romantic man (which made my recent situation all the more painful).
I love these girls and wish them EVERY happiness I could ever want for myself.
But i am SO dadgum SICK of seeing things happen to EVERYONE else but ME!
you hear me God.... I'm PISSED at you!
I know all things are in Your timing. But your timing sucks.
And as far as the cliche "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans" well He's been laughing at me for the better part of 7-8 years.... back with the college 3 year dating debacle started out.
and I'm feeling very tired of being laughed out and left out
To add insult to injury, I find out via FACEBOOK that the married one is going to travel to the big D to hang out with one of the other bridesmaids. now you have to pretty much go thru the town I live to get to where she lives in DFW metroplex....but its another example of not being invited b/c I'm not a damn couple.
This AFTER they were supposed to come hang out with me this weekend at the camphouse (less than half of travel time to big D) and I got canceled on very last minute (aka.... tonight)
The other salt in my wound is that the newly not-single friend and I got into last night as well. After a b-ball game where most of our singles class/friends got to meet her new guy (except me. I loathe basketball in all forms), we were all supposed to hang out for dinner. well she blows me off to have "alone" time with him. So now I'm the only one who hasn't met him (even though there was a perfect opportunity a week ago. but she wasnt "ready"), and in spite of her bugging me to come "talk it out", she's distracted and hardly pays attention to me when we've been together the past 2 weeks.
I just feel total despair and complete loneliness tonight.
maybe its the insomnia that's been plaguing me all week...
maybe its the stress of a relationship change. ...
maybe its the other work/taxes/grad school stress in my life..
maybe its me mourning the loss/missing my Gran, one of the most influential women in my life...
maybe its a combination of all of the above factors
but I just want things to be better.
and I don't know WHAT to DO in order to make that so.
and I really just want to lay down on the floor and have a temper tantrum and kick my heels.
Not because life isnt fair. I expect " not fair".
I just dont expect grossly unfair + cruel and unusual punishment from the big guy upstairs.
does anyone know if there's nunneries in any faith other than Catholic????
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